Hello,

I am new to this forum, but I felt I needed to find others who understand what I’m going through as I’m in my early 30s and I only know a few people who have had this experience.

My beautiful Mum was diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer on 15th December 2023, this spread to her lymph nodes and her liver which was incurable. Mum didn’t want to know her prognosis which I completely respect, but we as a small family unit each weirdly had it in our minds it would be only a few months or so. She died 3 weeks ago on the 21st February 2024 - she had contracted covid and pneumonia in hospital and eventually they decided to stop treatment entirely. There was some miscommunication which really affected us all and caused a lot of distress, as Mum couldn’t speak but was clearly in agony which has left me traumatised seeing her like that. She had only 1 session of chemo before she became too sick for the next one.

Since then, myself, my brother and Mum’s partner have been fundraising and arranging her funeral, which is in 1 week. We have also had to move her entire house out including her incredible tropical garden which was a passion of hers, and I’ve been dealing with all of the paperwork, accounts etc,  so it’s been very fast paced and losing the house we grew up in that she made into our home has been like another loss in itself 

Because of this, I’m finding it hard to understand my grief. I have autism which makes it hard for me to regulate my emotions as well, but this is something so far beyond that as you all may know. I’ve read a lot about how sometimes people aren’t crying constantly, I’ve had about 3 separate days where I’ve had a small breakdown about it, but mostly I feel confused, disconnected to the world, to the point that walking around a supermarket is like I’m in some other dimension when normally I’d be hypersensitive and anxious

I’m not sure if it’s normal to feel numb, or like it’s not happened - I know it happened because I spent 10 days sleeping in the hospital with her most nights, and held her hand as she left us, but I feel like it’s in there but nothing is coming out

I live on my own with my 2 dogs who help with the loneliness but I’m struggling at the idea of going back to work, I’m self employed so I need to go back to work soon

It’s all just too overwhelming and all over the place for me to process

Thank you for reading

Sending love and strength x