Hi mattcymru,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this - I think this is quite a common way to feel. You have gone through a lot by the sounds of it, and these sorts of reactions and thoughts can be perfectly understandable. Having said that, try not to be too hard on yourself. People often think they could have done more, but this is not always the case, and sometimes it's too easy to look back and think about doing things differently, but in the moment this may not have felt right or even necessary.

There is a useful information document here from Cruse about feelings after someone dies. At the bottom there is also information about their helpline and their website. Sometimes it is helpful to talk things through with a professional or a specific organisation, as this can help with processing certain thoughts and feelings.

In the meantime, if others here have similar experience or anything to add, hopefully you'll get some more replies soon.

Take care of yourself,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

thanks for your reply! i did see a counsellor, but didnt really help that much....

Hi Matt, we all have regrets about things we can't change but you have to remember you tried your best with what you had at the time. I am sure your parents knew you loved them and you were a good son - I know with my mum - could I have been a better son? Yeah, I could have been a better son but my mum made mistakes and said things she shouldn't have done when she was here but we forgive because we love them and they're important - I am sure your parents wouldn't want you now in distress about this - it's normal to think that you could have done more but the reality is that you probably couldn't have done - it's all well and good forgiving others and that is a noble concept that more people should do but we should all forgive ourselves a lot more than we do. You have been through a really tough year to 18 months to lose both parents within that time frame and you need to be kind to yourself. 

I was in China doing their lockdown when my mum was diagnosed and there were no planes flying long after the lockdown ended everywhere else - I spent no time with my mum in her final days but even I realise that the situation we found ourselves in was beyond our control - there are times you need to forgive you and look at the bigger and wider picture of your relationship which I am sure was a loving and happy one. That helps me and I hope it does you, take care.

thank you for your reply.  um its worse than you can imagine, my mum was an alcoholic , we had major arguments. it killed her in the end. looking after her was no fun. she suffered a lot in her last year, self inflicted though it was. my dad was paralysed in hospital for nearly 3 months....  but really we ended on ok terms really, but my sister had disowned her,. as she made my dad unhappy.  sad you couldnt spend time with ur mum in her last days. i did get to say goodbye to my dad, wasnt sure if he was on his way out that night,. but he did  die that night...