Hello Piecesandpieces, 

I am so sorry to hear you lost your mam at such a young age. You are now a mum yourself with a little two months old baby and the exhaustion (and sleep deprivation) that often comes with having a baby is probably making everything you went through in the past seem more vivid and reawakening all these emotions. Don't feel guilty for what happened then - you were very young and had this abusive boyfriend at the time and at that young age it is part of being a teenager and growing up to feel invested in those relationships  which you come to realise later on were not good for you. It's part of the grieving process often to feel this kind of guilt and to want to go back in time and change things - you can read more about these guilt feelings in the coping with grief section of our website and you will see that going over things you would have liked to say or do before the person died is a common occurrence and it is important that you do not dwell on this guilt. I am sure your mum knew how much you loved her and that she appreciated you for who you were and wanted the very best for you. She would be very proud now to know that 9 years on you have a little baby yourself - and 9 years on you have grown a lot in maturity and it is normal sometimes to look back on our young selves and think about how different we were then but you had to go through this process - as everyone does - of growing up, learning from your mistakes and past failed relationships and becoming a woman and now a mother. 

The emotions you describe which are flooding in are totally understandable and if you feel it is all a bit too much, don't hesitate to talk to your doctor or a counsellor about your grief, what you went through as a teenager and these guilty feelings you are finding which can be so difficult to deal with. Rest assured though you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about. 

I hope that other members of our community will read your post and share their own stories with you. Many have been affected by grief too and will have experienced the same feelings of guilt that you describe. It's not easy too to be a young parent and I hope that the baby is doing well and that you are managing to get a little sleep! 

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator