Hello Poppygirl

I'm so very sorry to hear about the passing of your father last Thursday. It sounds like it's been a very difficult few weeks for you all. 

It's understandable that you're feeling a wide range of emotions at the moment. Grief is a natural process but it can be devastating. It's understandable with all that you've mentioned in your post that you may feel overwhelmed by things and that you're struggling to cope. 

Do you have some support from friends or family? Someone that you could confide in regarding how you're feeling. Having someone to be able to talk to at times like this can be an invaluable source of support and I'd really encourage you to reach out for that help. 

There is some helpful information available on the MIND website about bereavement and self-care. If you have a Maggie's centre locally to you then it's certainly worth popping in for a cuppa and chat with one of their cancer support workers. They are there to support anyone impacted by a cancer diagnosis and I know many of our members have found their services to be invaluable. There's also a charity called Cruse that offers various different types of bereavement support and it may be that you feel talking with one of their telephone bereavement volunteers might be helpful. 

It's often difficult to reconcile how we feel when honouring someone's wishes that don't necessarily sit well with us. I know that we've had members share their stories of loss here on the forum previously where they have felt that their loved ones waited until family members left the room before they passed away. Ultimately Poppygirl you did what your Dad asked of you by leaving him to be alone at the end. As hard as that may have been for you and your Mum, you were able to do that for your Dad because you loved him and wanted to honour that last request. Try not to be too hard on yourself. 

Whilst it may feel as though the last week has been one of the longest weeks of your life, it's still very early days in your journey with grief. There will be days when you may find it difficult to get through each hour but with time you, and your Mum, will find your new normal and hopefully things will settle for you both. In the meantime be kind to yourself, particularly on difficult days. 

Keep in touch here on the forum Poppygirl if it helps to have somewhere to share how you're feeling or to ask questions. We're here to listen and will do our best to support you. 

Thinking of you all at this difficult time, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator