My dad died of cancer almost 2 months ago. He fought it for six months with the help of my sisters, my mum, my aunt, and me, but in the end there were too many complications.
My dad had many pre-existing medical conditions which made things even harder than they should have been. It was a very stressful period and very sad towards the end, but I was a bit surprised that it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would (or should). I remember even feeling almost euphoric at some point during the wake due to the outpour of love and sympathy from all the family and friends.
After the funeral and when all the goodbyes were over, I got back to my life and initially it felt like back to normal. I had some mild episodes of anxiety and low mood, which I've attributed to all the bottled up tension from the earlier months.
However, for the last couple of weeks I've noticed that my thoughts are increasingly coming back to my dad's ordeal, and the memories of him in hospital are more painful now than before. It's as if my brain were trying to extract something out of those moments, as if I were trying to second-guess what I thought I experienced at the time in search for new meaning.
I don't know if I should be doing this. It doesn't feel good. I'm worried that I'm deliberately dwelling on this for morbid reasons. Maybe I should be blocking those thoughts out and leave those memories untouched. On the other hand, perhaps this is a normal part of the grief process and I should embrace it.
I've no idea what to do. Does anyone else relate? Any advice?
