My dad broke my heart

I think the title says it all. I lost my dad on 1st October 2022, he was on holiday, I had to fly out the same day to bring him home. I lived with my dad for a while when I was growing up, we shared bunk beds in my nans spare room, we were together every minute I wasn't at school. Of course I got older and we spent less time together, but he will always be my first love, he appeared unbeatable. This was his 3rd battle with cancer, I wasn't alive for thr first 2, 4 heart attacks, I just thought he'd beat it again, nothing could stop him. But it did. I still feel angry, like he gave up, like he should have fought harder to stay, I still needed him so why would he leave. My little boy had just turned 1, that wasn't enough time, how dare he leave so soon. And how do I face a life without him? I'm not necessarily a believer, so to me, for all I know he could be gone forever and I'll never see him again. I've often wondered what the point in life is, to live, love then lose or die, why start to begin with? Especially if there is nothing after, you wouldn't know if you didn't exist in the first place. But now, the only reason I stay is my son, I couldn't leave him, but then sometimes I think he's so young he could move on and be fine in a short space of time. I can't think about my dad too often, it hurts too much, it just causes anger and pain, and I can't get through work and bringing up a child in that state, but when I do allow myself to think, I feel sick, like I can't breathe, a hole in my chest and I just want to ask him why.

  • Hello mkol6080, 

    I am so sorry for your loss - it must have been heart-breaking for you to lose your dad last year. You seemed to have a very close bond and the feelings of anger you describe are totally normal and very much part of the cycle of grief. You can read more about coping with grief on this page and you will find that anger is a common feeling and it is not unusual to direct this anger at the person who died or to then wonder what the meaning of life is. Many members of our community will have lost a loved one and will be able to relate to the different emotions you are experiencing. It does help to talk to others who are going through something similar and I also hope you have a good support network around you. You are right though to want to carry on for your son - he is very young and needs you and it will be amazing to watch him grow and go through all the development stages. Your son will give you a lot of joy and your dad would also want to see you by his side. Of course looking after a little one while grieving can be tiring and it can be hard too to get through work and perhaps it would be a good idea to get in touch with your GP and explain all your current struggles and how you've been feeling since your dad passed away. Your doctor will have some good suggestions for you I am sure to help you get through the coming weeks and months. It's important that you don't suffer alone and that you reach out to others and discuss all this with your GP. If the dark thoughts get a bit overwhelming at times, don't hesitate to call Samaritans on 116 123 - their line is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year. 

    We're thinking of you during this difficult time and I will now let our members come and say hello and share their stories and thoughts with you. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • It’s good to get it out but you shouldn’t have any anger to your dad, no matter how much you fight it if the cancer is passed a certain stage it’ll kill you no matter how much you fight.  I had the same thoughts after my mum died and my 38 year old brother just been told he has a year left with terminal cancer.  What is the point is this thing we call life?!  I have two young sons so that keeps me sane and happy even though my spirit has been bashed a lot by this life.  The more you talk/ vent to people or on here it will help.  The sad reality is life goes on but you will rebuild and you’ll make so many memories with your kid, try focus on him and friends.