What if it doesn't get better with time?

Hi, I lost my mum almost two years ago now to lung cancer. It all happened in a whirlwind. She went from being what we thought was healthy, to terminally ill in what felt like an instant and 4 months later she was gone. She suffered immensely in those months, it was incredibly difficult to watch the strongest person I know in her most vulnerable state and I felt absolutely helpless. I'd have given anything to take the pain away, to keep her here. I felt that i barely had any time to process the fact she was unwell, let alone the fact she had then passed as We were evicted in the days after she had died. We were forced to leave the place in which I had felt closest to her, that we'd made so many memories in. She was only 53 and I 27. I felt like I was once again staring at the world through a child's eyes, with that panicked feeling in my gut like I'd lost my mum in the shops except this time there was no finding her. I find that Grief is the absolute loneliest place on earth, and even now after all this time it hasn't got any lesser than it felt before. I feel like I'm only now pieces of the person I was before, and I'm not sure how to claw my way back. I shoved all the emotion down and down in order to keep going for my family, but now it feels like it's so far down inside of me that I can't reach it to let it out. People have grown tired of me talking about her, I do so too often and I can feel their boredom of it is this all I am now? Is this now my entire identity? I'm lost. I'm hurting and I feel really alone. I honestly don't know how to overcome this. Someone please help 

  • Hi IntoTheDark_,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and how you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to grieve - everyone's experience is different, and it sounds like things happened really quickly and therefore was, and still is, difficult to process.

    I understand your description of it as lonely. Although those around you may not necessarily always understand, there will be plenty of people who do. Many of those people are on this forum - I hope it is a helpful place for you to write things down, to reach out to others, and to hear others' experiences. Hopefully you'll get some more replies here soon - and you can always search the forum for other relevant discussions if you would like to.

    If you feel you're struggling, there is plenty of support available. Have a look at Cruse - they offer various resources and a helpline. Either via them, or separately, you can also find local counsellors to talk to, who may be able to help you process things.

    Keep taking things a day at a time, and keep looking after yourself. We're always here if you need it.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Cancer Chat Moderator