My mum died when I was 15, she was a single mum and my best friend and it was an extremely tough time. 

Since then I’ve completed my GCSEs, A-Levels, driving test and 2 years of university and yet everything is ruined but the fact she isn’t here to see it.

I’ve tried therapy on the NHS, and although it was helpful in other areas, it did nothing to help with my bereavement.

I hate bringing it up with my family because they’re all going through it in different ways - we talk about her but not her dying. 

Since moving to uni (England to Scotland) I’ve started pretending she’s alive where I work - because everyone asks questions about/mentions parents- and I don’t mention it unless they’re close friends. If I’m honest, this approach works for me but doesn’t feel healthy? In general, I know I need to go back to therapy but it feels so difficult to find a therapist that fits what I need.

What makes it worse is that recently I’ve been denied for BRCA testing , despite having a relatively strong family history. So now I’m in the dark about my own physical health as well as dealing with my mothers death and a lot of women in my family experiencing cancer for the first time. 

But, Cancer Chat has always been a place where I can express how I feel and find likeminded people, and I’m hoping that happens this time! xx