Hi all, 

I lost my dad a couple of weeks ago after a relatively short battle with prostate cancer. He'd lived in the US for most of my life, and we got to visit him for a few weeks last month as he declined. He had excellent hospice care and between that and seeing me, he rebounded and we were privileged to have had some wonderful time with him to say proper goodbyes and have conversations that needed to be had. 

It was an exhausting time though, some days we had a couple of hours with him, some days 20 minutes, some days a whole day, depending on his energy levels. Mostly though he was laughing and good. We left to return to the UK, and two days later he died in his sleep, peacefully and painlessly. We've bene so lucky. 

Since then my grief has been strange. I did a lot of crying when we were with him in the States, but little since his death. Mostly I've been swinging between days where I'm horrible to be around - irritable and angry - and more lucid days where I feel good. There is no real direction to the anger which is the confusing bit. I'm not particularly angry at anyone in particular, although some of it has been down to my stepmum who hasn't engaged with us in an y emotionally meaningful way since his death.

Arranging the memorial has thrown me off the deep end. We're trying to coordinate between family here and his second family in the US, and the inflexibilities, lack of communication and demands of various family members - as well as the distance that I feel opening up between his family in the US and me -  has left me with stress so acute that my neck has almost totally frozen on one side, and I'm having panic attacks. 

I think what I'm looking for is similar experiences because I'm finding it really worrying that sadness at his loss has been replaced by anger, irritability, and a brain fog so thick I can barely think. It feels a lot like depression, but then on some days it all lifts temporarily, which is not something I've ever experienced with depression, which tends to be total and unremitting. I'm wondering whether it's the emotional stress of the trip to America and saying goodbye catching up, dealing with the fact that Dad was the link between two families and that a rift may open. And then there's the forty years of saying goodbye to him and grieving every time he went back to the States. Who knows. 

Is it normal? I'm starting bereavement counselling next week and hoping it will help. 

Thanks!!