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Parent Loss - mum passed away this morning, really struggling

Obitwon
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Dear all

My mum passed away this morning leaving my Dad. He seems to be coping well, organising, talking to relatives etc.

My brother lives abroad so it’s just myself, my wife and 2 kids. There are other grand children. I’m really struggling, my mums house feels so empty without her, Im desperate for her to come back and can’t imagine life without her. She fills up so much of our lives. My dad doesn’t show much emotion so I’m not sure how he feels. 
I don’t want to leave him alone but I know I can’t  stay here but it’s heart breaking to see him alone

its really hard to look after my dad and also myself and family. 
Not sure if other family members should come and see him rather than texts. 

  • Hi Obitwon,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum - I'm sure this must be an incredibly difficult time and I hope you're getting on OK.

    Hopefully you can have a chat with your dad about things, and I'm sure he would understand that you also need to take care of your family as well as looking out for yourself and for him too.

    If you (or your dad) would like any additional support, have a look at Cruse. They offer various resources and also a helpline for those experiencing grief.

    Keep speaking to others around you where you can and keep looking after yourself among everything going on - and take things a day at a time. We are also always here for support on the forum if ever you need it, and hopefully you'll get some more replies here soon, particularly from any others with similar experience.

    Wishing you all the best,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Ben

    Hi Obitwon,

    I am so sorry to read about your loss - I only registered on this chat this morning to seek help about something different but saw your post and felt compelled to reach out! I lost my mum a few years back and felt that same huge hole open up. She was quite simply the glue that held everything together - her funeral was a packed event of people who adored her - people I'd never met before and my dad simply complained that it was made all the harder by the fact that everyone was just being so kind!
    This time is truly tough and I suppose the key is not to assume that your own mourning should be anything other than what it becomes - what you feel along the way is totally unique to you (and the same goes for your dad too!) and you need to let it be and be gentle with yourself! It must be immensely difficult as a parent (I was actually pregnant when we lost mum so didn't have that added bit to contest with) however embrace that element of your life and seek comfort in them!
    Also the change in feeling as though now is the time to take care of a parent is a tough one to navigate. I have no doubt your dad will reach to you!!

    What i'll say is i'm now in the position where I LOVE talking about my mum. I can talk freely about her fight against cancer and whilst I of course miss her and wonder what sage advise she would have given me RE parenting my kids (should would have a lot to say) and how much they would have adored her (they really would have), I feel immensely proud to have had her and the memory of her and all of her incredible quirks does well to fill much of that gap. All of that change I truly believe has come down to time... they weren't lying when they said it's a great healer!

    I'm so sorry again. I have no doubt a huge number of the cancer community is sending out a mass of virtual hugs.

  • Offline in reply to Wife2023

    Thank you Wife2023 for your kind words

    its only 3 days since I lost my mum but feels like an eternity. I’m not too bad but lose it when I sit and think about her, still can’t get my head around the fact I’ll not see or hear her again 

    Mum was always the affectionate one whereas as Dad isn’t so missing any emotion from him.He must be hurting a lot but isn’t showing it, seems to be overcompensating on everything and making jokes.

    Feeling really isolated right now and don’t know if and how this will ease, I presume it will in time

    My Dad seems to be moving on already, tidying things , ideas about changing things, not wanting to see some of mums friends- I think this is too soon, not sure if it’s his coping mechanism as we’ve not gone through this before. He’s doing the majority of the organising and I’m not sure what he’ll do after mums funeral when  ““normal”  life resumes. He says he’s ok and ok on his own but as I’m like my mum it hurts me to think of him on his own most of the day. I’m really not sure how to push past this. I want him to be able to be in his own but also can’t bear to think of him alone.

    Iim sure every day will be different and we’ll all learn to cope

  • Offline in reply to Obitwon

    Your mum sounds simply wonderful, a truly caring soul and has no doubt passed that down to you which is why you have so much worry for your dad - what a wonderful quality to share!

    I was given a picture book (almost like a childrens book) about grief after mum passed and it really highlighted how this looks in different people. Packing and tidying is certainly one of those distraction tactics and likewise your dad may well be trying very hard to make you not worry about him as he'll know better than anyone the sadness you're feeling, the internal conversations you're both having may be a lot more similar than you think!

    Every day may look really different but I promise you, a day will come where you will sit back and reflect on your mum with joy. The sadness will always be present because you're missing the company of someone truly special but that sadness will be partnered with a feeling of 'how fortunate am I to have had someone so wonderful for that part of my life that makes me feel so many things'.

    Keep tackling the days Obitwon - you've got this!

  • Offline

    I'm so sorry to read about your Mum. I have no wise words to offer but do offer my sincere sympathies. Whatever else happens in life, talking here, i think, can help, in a way because we are anonymous.

    Take care of yourself.

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