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I miss my Mum

Char1304
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Just joined this as I need to get some things out of my head.

I lost my Mum in December 2022. The 3rd. She went into hospital on November 7th.

She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014. Radiotherapy,  lumpectomy, chemotherapy.  Then tamoxifen. All was well until 2019. Losing weight, bowel changes, pain, so much pain. It had metasised to the bowel. 

More chemo, oral and picc line. Then came ascites in October 2021.

More chemo. Takes us to July 2022  then the chemo stopped. Put Mum on exemestane.  It ruined her liver, absolutely demolished her liver. The cancer took hold because Mumcouldnt have anymore medication.  She had never had a liver problem ever, not once. 

I got my Mum home, the day she passed, I stayed with her all night in hospital, swilling her mouth, vaseline on her lips,  making sure she was clean. Washed, changed. The entirety of November I spent in hospital by Mums side.

I'm also a nurse. I couldn't be looking after someone's else's Mum when my own needed me. 

On December 3rd 2022 at 3pm we got Mum home. I told them, cancel your transport, cancel your bed. All I need is JIC meds and a district nurse on call. We have a mobility van, we have a wheelchair,  we have a bed. I got Mum home. 

That evening she passed away. I and my Dad were with her. I cant believe it, I cant comprehend what has happened.  I still think ill see my beautiful loving kind soul Mum. Even though i saw her take her last breath. The devastation has ripped me to shreds inside. She was 60, only by 4 weeks. She had to spend most of her 60th in hospital,  it was a Friday. They wanted to keep her in, nothing was going to change what was inevitable,  but I arranged my Mum her surprise 60th birthday party on the Saturday, I knew, somehow I knew I had to get her out to that party. Surrounded by the people who loved her, who she loved. All of her grandchildren,  her parents, her children, husband, friends. 

I am broken. I'm 40. I'm on a waiting list for crus, but I dont know who I am anymore. Distant. Angry. Short. Everywhere but at work. 

How can I not be so snappy? I'm just so broken

  • Hello Char1304

    I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum just a few short months ago. It's clear from your post how much you loved your Mum and just how much her death has impacted you. 

    Grief is a natural process but it can be devastating and so I'm glad to hear that you've already reached out to Cruse for support. I know that many people have benefitted from bereavement support after the loss of a loved one. 

    I'd really encourage you to talk with your GP as well. It may be that they are able to provide some additional support to help you as well as knowing what other services might be available that you can access locally. It might be that there is some short-term counselling available through your employer that you can access whilst you're waiting for Cruse. 

    It's easy to say in these kinds of circumstances that you should be kind to yourself. Not always so easy to do. If a friend, or a patient, came to you and told you how they were struggling, what advice or support would you give to them? It may be that you're able to identify areas in your life that you can step back from, for a short while, to give yourself extra space and energy to deal with the grief that you're carrying at the moment. 

    I hope that you're able to access some support Charl. Keep posting here on the forum if it helps. There will always be a listening ear available. 

    Sending you my best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

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