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Coping with my grief

Bellamoon123
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Hi everyone, I lost my mum to cancer 2 months ago and im really struggling. She was first diagnosed back in 2021, underwent chemo and a hysterectomy and was told it had been caught and everything looked good. Fast forward to 2 months ago when I received a phone call from my dad telling me to come home as mum isn't well. When I questioned him on the phone he told me that mum's cancer had come back a year ago, a couple of months after her hysterectomy and she has lost her fight. I rushed home to see my mum in hospital (the image of her in the hospital bed is haunting me) and she then died that night. I had noticed a few months before that mum had been loosing weight but when I questioned her she said that she was trying to be healthy to stop the cancer coming back again. The reason I wasn't told that her cancer had come back was because I have recently become a mum myself and my mum didn't want to worry me when I was pregnant and then coping with being a new mum. I understand the reasoning but I am struggling so much with their decision not to tell me. I think it was the wrong decision. I feel robbed of being able to say goodbye to my mum and properly telling her how much she means to me. I feel so angry, furious even that I wasn't told. It feels like she died in a freak accident, one day she was here and the next she wasn't. I had no context to her death, i trusted that she was okay and she wasnt. I feel so stupid, i should have known. As well as grief I'm living in permanent state of shock. I'm also heartbroken that mum kept it to herself, she only told my dad (obv) and her best friend. She dealt with this on her own and I should have been there to support her. I feel so much guilt as well. I don't know what to do. My anger is spilling out of me and I'm being snappy with my partner who is the most supportive man ever. I'm angry at my dad for not telling me but also understand that he would never betray my mums wishes like that. I'm utterly heartbroken. I'm on a wait list for bereavement counselling but wondered if anyone else here has been in the same position? How did you cope? X

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    Bella 

    I coukd not scroll past your post , I had breast cancer last year but am fully recovered now , however the worst thing for me wasn’t a cancer diagnosis but to tell my only son that I had been diagnosed. As you are a mum yourself you will do anything possible to protect your children from anything bad , she couldn’t hurt you by telling you bless her .

    I read through your post and had tears rolling down my face of how evil cancer is and what it does to families.

    I really hope you can find a way to start to feel better about the situation . 
    big virtual hugs to you and god bless xx. Love Lara xxx

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    Hi Bellamoon123,

    I’ m so sorry you lost your mum; my mum passed away 5 years ago this September and although everyone’s grief is different, I can understand some of how you’re feeling. My mum had a rare blood cancer and also Alzheimer’s in the last 4-5 years of her life. My parents never spoke to me about the cancer and looking back, knowing what I know now; I would have put 2 and 2 together. I was also angry at my dad, my lovely dad who today was told he has stage3 cancer. The only thing I can say is that our parents love us unconditionally and each decision made, is made out of that love and we have to respect their decisions. Your love for your mum comes through so strongly in your post and I can only imagine the joy and comfort you and your family gave to her and your dad. We don’t have children but laraj said it perfectly about protecting your children from anything bad. I know it’s easy to say as I have regrets and guilt but I’m trying to forgive myself, my mum would have known how much I loved her, she didn’t want me to have that sadness and I try and understand that. I hope that the counselling will help, it’s still early days for you, I am further along in this journey, although it may not feel like it now, you will find the strength to cope. I like to think our mum’s are looking down on us and giving us that strength to move forward. Sending you very best wishes.

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