Hello,

3 weeks ago, my dad told me he was diagnosed with cancer, it wasn't clear yet what stage it was but all we knew is that he was suffering a lot. Two days ago, my mum told me that the news aren't good and he doesn't have long left to leave as the cancer is spreading fast, and he's in lot of pain. I am french but my husband is English, both living in the UK while my whole family live in France. We are planning to go back next week but I am sick to my stomach, I'm scared. I lost my grand dad in February this year and I havent even accepted his death and now this with my dad... I don't know how to cope. I have a strange relationship with my dad, he's done lots of bad things, especially to my mum (they have been divorced for a while and both found new partners), so I am extremely conflicted on how I feel about all this. Completely lost. Most of the time I am trying to avoid any bad feelings, I have an 9 months old little girl and I just want to concentrate on her and my husband, and then suddenly a wave of fear, panic, anger comes and it's like I'm losing the plot inside. I hate knowing he is in pain, I hate knowing how scared he must be, how alone he must feel even though he is not . I'm scared to see him, I don't know what to say, I am just completely lost. I don't want to bury him yet, I'm not ready, I feel that it's another part of me that is taken.