Hi Zoned out, I wanted to reply so you knew that someone read your post and could relate. I lost my mum in May 2020 after a 2 year battle with stage 4 breast cancer. We thought it was all under control, even the oncologist didn’t think it had advanced when she started getting shortness of breath and thought it wasn’t anything serious. Then she went downhill very fast, the cancer seems to have changed within weeks and advanced to the point that we lost her a few months. It hit me like a truck, I went from thinking about her occasionally because I knew she was around to her being a constant presence in my life since she passed. I try to tell myself that she is always with me and this is what I am feeling.

 Its been two years now and I am still sad, although I carry it well and to the outside world I probably seem absolutely fine. I have found the grief doesn’t leave you, you just learn to live with it, and its not so raw anymore. I still cry at random, but I let myself as I was told its ok to grieve. I have two younger children and they are the reason I have found to carry on. Losing my mum has made me realise that life is a gift and not a given and we mustn’t waste that gift. Our mothers and fathers wouldn’t want that for us, so I try to find joy where I can. For me its gardening and seeing my flowers pop up for th efirst time in spring, or seeing the birds finally use the bird feeder I set up. Its hugging my children and seeing them happy, or getting out of the city into the countryside or sea. But grief is always a part of me it seems, maybe it will become a lighter weight as time passes, I am not sure.

I do try not to get bitter though, as I think that ends up harming you and your loved ones more than the object of your bitterness. I have seen this with my husband who lost his mother 6 months before me, also to cancer but very suddenly. His anger at his dad ends up impacting our relationship and time spent as a family as hes angry a lot and short tempered. Its hard but we all have to try to find a way through this. Don’t’ expect miracles but take baby steps and find some joy in the small things x

I hope this helps in a small way

I just wanted to say thank you to Sammy_Cat for sharing your story. 

My mother has just a few precious months left, (the consultant called it a guarded prognois of a few months).  Without the cancer drug I can see her visibly slipping away, so painful to watch but we are trying to create those magic moments for her.

Your response gave me comfort and hope for future, and I hope that ZonedOut will also take comfort in your words.

Thank you for your reply, Sammy.

Sorry you lost your Mum.

I think from what you've described I very much fall into the same sort of "emotional camp" as your husband with regards to being angry a lot - but I tend to hide it incredibly well. 

I've yet to let myself cry but that stems from a loss many years ago (almost 25 years) when I was scolded for showing emotion. One of those "man up" moments you're taught as a child that has clearly done more harm than good. I don't want to open that particular can of worms.

It's been suggested to me that I attend therapy though I'm unsure it's for me. It's easier talking to someone on the Internet I feel.

Thank you for your advice and sharing your story. x

So sorry to read that Suzie. I hope you manage to make as many incredible memories as possible in the time you have left. 

All the best.

Z/O..x 

Hi Suzie, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Thank you for replying to my post, I'm glad it has helped in a smal way x 

Hi ZO, I was told it's ok to grieve by a therapist as it happens as I too was taught to "put up and get on" as a child. So when I first learnt of my mums diagnosis I had a lot of difficulty processing it all as I didn't give myself space to "just be upset". It takes some work and I think a good start is showing yourself some compassion and telling yourself it's ok to be angry. Also just give your self time x