Hi Gooner,

Firstly dont you dare start feeling guilty, blaming yourself, or recalling the moments that you could have or might have done something differently. 

You were in the hospital, like you said. You just merely left the room to help bring the other loved ones and family members upstairs to show them were to go. You're father knows you were there and he very well knew you were busy at the end looking after the visiting logistics of your family. Dont regret anything as you done the great deed of rallying the family together to say goodbye and thats not something to ever feel guilty or let down about.

It's perhaps a little different but my story is the same-flipped around in a way. My mother was diagnosed with esophagael cancer in January. While I could go on all day about how merciless that cancer is I'll stick to the story. Mother went for appointments, saw specialsits and had all types of appointments for two months before finally getting 7 radiotheraphy fractions 6 weeks ago. We were hoping radiotherpahy would improve things but unfortunately everything went in the opposite direction from that moment onwards.

My mother's wish was to be in the hospice for a short amount of time and that wish was granted at the end of April for three days. The first two days we (me, wife and my father) spent calling in family members and friends to spend some time with my mother. You know how these things go, people show up who havnt spoken to each other properly for years etc. Anyway my mother by the end of the second day had seen everyone, and was already in semi-comostose state but she was responsive in the way that she could be. The last night and morning of May 1st was just mother, me, my wife and my dad. My dad spent the entire night with my mother and I left in the early morning with my wife to bring the dog for a walk and go on a run. 

When I got back to the hopsic 9.00am things changed, and progressed quickly. 9.10am my mother went to the other side, until her last breath she communicated with me, my wife and my dad. I know she wanted to passover to the other side that way i.e. she wanted the little circle of us together at the end after she had got to say goodbye to everyone else. 

Ah man, it's still raw.

Your father knew that you were closeby and had been there in the lead-up dont let anything else change your opinion or lead your mind astray

Kind you for your kind response and I'm sorry for your loss.

I guess with time we'll feel better? 

I hope so Gooner, and thank you for the kind words too. 

We'll carry our folks with us forever. There is a pain that will never go away for that, we know that much but that's how much we loved them, you know? We will keep them alive through us and I believe or I'm hopeful that with each day we'll remember them with a smile, rather than a tear 

You're a kind person. 
 

I hope you feel better about it soon.

Thank you for your replies. 

You too Gooner, take care of yourself and god bless