Just looking really for some advice and reassurance that there is a way out of this mental pain I'm feeling from watching my mum fade away horribly.
Mum noticed she didn't feel right for a number of years, and in October 2019 she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Surgery went well at the end of October and she seemed to bounce right back. Biopsy from the surgery showed it was stage 3 oligodendroglioma. She started radiotherapy and steroids and within weeks she declines rapidly. She was very confused and couldn't walk. She had no short term memory and we got told she could die within a couple of weeks. It was such a horrible and stressful time and don't think I stopped crying, my heart would skip beats with the sadness and stress.
She miraculously recovered and was better than she had been in years, doctors were shocked that she got better and her scans were stable. I had my first period of happiness in what felt like a long time and I could rest.
Fast forward to 2022 and she would have dizzy spells and sometimes be sick despite her stable scans. She began to lose bladder control and in early November 2022 scans showed she had 3 new tiny spots on the other side of her brain that they wanted to keep an eye on. I knew something was very wrong with mum all December and January as her bladder and bowel control worsened and she she would do odd things and get very confused. On 9th February my brother called to say mum could not stop being sick and was very dizzy. She got taken to hospital.
Scans showed that mum had a new and large fast growing tumour and her brain was badly swollen. Good news was that mums tumour was on the top of her brain and surgery could remove 90% of it or more and she would have it within 2 weeks. From that terrible dread and sadness I got that releif back again, and celebrated that night. Weeks more passed and no one seemed to know what was happening when we asked and surgery just said 'pending' so we waited and waited. Mum declined while waiting so badly that she could no longer walk and her mental state was poor especially on steroids. We then got told that mum can't consent now to surgery and in her poor state an operation would not be a good idea so she would have to improve for surgery.
Mum spent almost 3 months in hospital declining so much more u til she was almost unrecognisable physically. She has just gone into a care home and I still can't accept that this is the end because it's too painful and I've had a few weeks of feeling numb so I was able to resume my life temporarily.
I broke down after yesterdays visit after 2 weeks of not being able to bring myself to go. The woman I knew had been lost even further. She was shouting at the top of her lungs every 10-15 seconds, very confused and kept closing her eyes, swearing, swearing at me, throwing things, crying for her mum and dad and saying random things. She is fully immobile. She is so swollen and looks like someone else. They said she is like this most of the time now with the shouting and confusion.
I don't know how to grieve or process it. I don't know if I can accept it. She was supposed to have surgery and get better and I'm waiting still for what she did last time where she just gets better and surprises everyone. I know I'm waiting in vain. It feels like she is already gone in her state but I know she's alive so grieving is confusing. I don't want her to live in her condition as it's a horrible existence but I also don't want her to die and I feel horrible gut punching guilt wishing it would end for her. The numbness went since my last visit and I'm a wreck again. We were in contact daily and I'd see her all the time. She is a huge part of my life and to see her now is too hard. She is a wonderful woman who nursed her own brother around the clock until he dies of cancer himself. Seems cruel for her to have this fate and I'm so angry as well as so heartbroken. Mum just turned 60 in January and I feel so robbed of many more years we should have had together. Sorry for the long post I just needed to write down how this makes me feel x
