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Struggling to deal with Mums death

Jayns01
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Hello everyone. 
I'm so sorry we all find ourselves here - whatever the reason.  Cancer is such a *** disease. I lost my mum to metastatic lung cancer on 31st December 2022 and, I as hard as it is to admit, I am really, really struggling. I know it's only been 4 odd months but it is on my mind every waking hour of every day. I'm not sure if this is normal or not or whether I should have moved along the 'process' by now. 
 

My mum was admitted to a hospital with, what was thought was a chest infection at the end of Oct '22. Long story short, her care was abismal and despite numerous scans and test, they only found the cancer on 7th Dec '22 and it's was terminal by the 10th. I believe she was told she had cancer on the 7th but she also caught COVID on the ward and we weren't not able to contact her for 10 days. I can't imagine what must've been going through her mind. 
 

After a serous of bumbles from the hospital, she finally came home on oxygen on 14th Dec although, we as a family were not told about the prognosis etc (they would only speak to my dad who just had a TIA at the same time as my mum In hospital so he wasn't really able to retain any information). 
 

She declined very rapidly with bouts of delirium and agitation.  Long story short, she spoke her last mumblings to me on 27th Dec and passed away in a hospital bed in her living room, holding my hand on 31st.

I guess with the lack of information and the short timeframe, I just wasn't prepared for this, the constant care, the (at times) hurtful words she said, the watching her drift away. I have two young kids who I couldn't be with over Christmas  (not that I would change this as my mum needed me)

Since her death, my dad has been very lonely but I still have to work and look after my family and I feel so guilty I can help him as much as I want. My siblings are useless.

I guess I'm just wondering, does this really get better? Do the flashbacks and the grief that feels like a kick in the guts fade away. I'm not sure how much more I can take as it affects my whole life.
 

Sorry for the pitiful post. I'm hoping someone has a glimmer of hope. 
 

Thanks,

Steve 

  • Hello Jayns01,

    I can understand why you would be feeling this way, especially as you weren't prepared for it. It's important to talk about how you're feeling to those people close to you. Never underestimate how important it is to let your emotions and thoughts, I hope that posting has helped to get everything out. Grief doesn't have a definite end and it's a very personal experience, but support is out there and things do get easier. 

    If you need to speak to someone, you can call the Cruse bereavement free helpline 0808 808 1677. Cancer Chat is also here for you whenever you need it.

    Take care of yourself,

    Moderator Anastasia

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Anastasia

    Hi Steve,
     

    What you are going through sounds completely normal. My mum was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive cancer a year ago and I have found it awful and she hasn't died yet, but I feel more able to cope than when I found out. 
    It's going to take a lot of time and you'll always grieve in some way but it is unlikely to remain this debilitating. My mum told me the first 18 months after her dad died were awful but then the grief lifted, someone else I know who lost a child said 5 years - although it's very personal for everyone and depends on lots of things like the relationship and manner of death. Sadly it's a long road but be kind to yourself and get whatever support you can.

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