My dad died just over a week after new years and every time I think I'm healing I have flashbacks to his last few hours. I don't think I'll ever forget it. I can remember every single detail. I was at uni. It was my break we had 15 minutes to go get something to eat and get back to class. I had just gotten a bacon sandwich from the canteen and just as I was paying my mum called and told me to come home. My sister paid for my Uber and I rushed straight there. I knew what the surge was but had never seen it before. He had been in a catatonic state for over a week at that point on on New Year's he was awake and talking again. Almost as if he wasn't ill. He even had a drink and a cigarette that night. Something he had not been able to do for over a month. But how I saw him that night and the day he died were so completely different. It was terrifying. He was back in the catatonic state. The only thing that my siblings and I could tell he was still with us was his rattling breath. The nurse came and said we were in the last 24/48 hours. About 3 hours later he was gone. He started gasping for air. We all rushed to him and talked to him and as quick as it started he was gone. It was terrifying. Seeing his eyes that had been closed for hours shoot open and his arm raise up and grab my brothers hand to look him in the eyes. I have never seen anything more terrifying in my life. It took a few hours for the doctor to show up and legally pronounce him dead but we knew already he was gone. I just couldn't stop hugging him and sobbing. And when the funeral director showed up to take him away I couldn't let go. My sister and brother had to drag me away into the other room. I keep having nightmares and flashbacks to that day and it sends me into a panic and causes me to go into floods of tears. I keep praying to God and asking him to let my dad give me a sign and sometimes I feel like I do get one but although it might seem selfish it's not enough. I'm angry that he's gone. I'm only 18 I should still have my dad. I should be going to his house and walking through the door to watch tv with him whilst he plays snooker on his phone and I fuss the cat. But it's all gone. I will never be able to look into his brown eyes or ask him questions about his past or talk about how painful the tattoos he had all on his arms were like we used to. It's been ripped away from me. I wanted more time. Where did I go wrong in life to have my dad taken from me so soon. He wasn't old. He had no major health problems in his life and all this pain and suffering came so suddenly because of a pain in his right shoulder. HOW CAN A PAIN IN YOUR SHOULDER MEAN YOUR GOING TO DIE OF BRAIN CANCER 2 MONTHS LATER. It's not fair. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry if your still reading this and you've had to listen to my big rant but I just need to get this stuff off my chest because people around me don't get it. All of my friends have their parents. They can't understand how broken my heart is... I just wanted one more day. One more hour. One more minute. Just to tell him again how much I love him.
