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Now feel angry over dads death

C2022
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Hi all,

I lost my dad in Sep 2021 after a very quick battle of bowel, liver and spine cancer. The way he was treated in the NHS was absolutely disgusting. He had sufferered from Crohns Disease for 25 years and have numerous flare up, in May 2021 he complained of backpain which the drs said was muscular. After 3 ambulance trips (one taking 8hrs to arrive) they discharged him everytime without doing any tests saying the same. Until the 4th he was sicking up faeces and they done an urgent scan which came back as stage 4 cancer. He kept this private and only told my mum (seperated but good friends) and one other. I did however guess it was something serious due to how fragile he was. I was 7m pregnant at the time and couldnt see him towards the end, although this was a tough time I think my pregnancy got me through it. Now its been over a year I keep feeling so angry with the way he was treated. My family have put in a complaint and their response was that they cant do a scan for every person with backpain and that the outcome would have been the same, I totally get that but throughout they were advising him to take medication he shouldnt have been because of his disease so at least he would have been more comfortable. 
 

I really dont know how to get over this and feel anxious everytime I have dealings with the NHS.

 

Sorry for the long post 

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    Hello C2022, 

    I am so sorry about what happened to your dad and that you felt he wasn't treated very well. It's truly awful what happened to him and it's so sad that you were 7 months pregnant at the time and unable to see him at the end. 

    A year has passed but these feelings are understandably still vivid. Your family did well to put in a complaint and perhaps it would make you feel a bit better and give you a bit of closure to also contact PALS and make a complaint. You can find out more about how to do that on this page. 

    It's normal that as a result of what happened you are feeling anxious but try if you can not draw any conclusions based on your poor dad's experience and to try and have trust again if you can. Perhaps there is a good GP you get on well with you could talk to about how you are feeling since your dad passed away and address with your GP both the sadness you are feeling and the anger? Feeling anger can also very much be part of the cycle of grief as you will see on this page on our website on coping with grief.

    Do talk to your doctor about how you are feeling one year on and I am sure they will be able to help you and give you some good suggestions such as grief counselling and to reassure you too about the NHS and the good it can still offer you and your family despite your difficult and traumatic experience. We're thinking of you during this difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

     

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    Hi

    I am really sorry for your loss and for this awful treatment your dad had before he died. This is unfortunately more common than we think and it is disgusting, exactly as you said. No human being should be treated like "just another case". My mother was not treated any better. I had a proper argument with her doctor one day before she passed away because the whole floor could hear her moaning and they were reassuring me "she is not in pain, this is just psychological". What does "JUST" mean?! Is terror not painful, is panic not painful? I really feel for you and I wish I could say something to make you feel better... Try and focus on the happy moments you had with him.

  • Offline in reply to Betty52

    Hi there,

    Thank you for you message and I am really sorry to hear your mum had a similar experience. I agree it is alot more common, alot of the time they will just blame workload and staffing levels which to me is just a poor excuse, they are there to help people and should be help accountable if not dealt with a case as it should have been! Least they can do is make people feel as comfortable as possible during their last few moments.

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