I'm so sorry to hear how difficult the last 15 months have been for you since you lost your mom Betty.

Having nightmares and/or flashbacks isn't uncommon after losing someone so close to you but it must be incredibly difficult and upsetting when these occur, especially if they're still happening quite regularly. 

I hope this information I've found on The Loss Foundation's website will be useful, but hopefully some of our members who have gone through this will be along soon to offer their support and advice. You may also be able to find others who have had similar experiences within the Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community.

Coping with grief is so tough but you have already shown so much strength and resilience Betty, and I really do hope things start to get better for you soon.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thanks a lot for your message Steph and your comforting words. I will definitely check the links you posted here.

Betty I am sorry for the loss of your Mum. I lost my Mum last year and a few months later my Dad too. I also have been having nightmares and bad flashbacks to when they were in hospital, in that terrible covid ward, to knowing how some of the staff treated my Mum when she was alone, scared and ill during the night and I wasn't there to protect her, that in particular haunts me day and night. I was only permitted 1 hour a day with Mum and it haunts me the time she was alone knowing she was dying (they told her days before, without me being there and told her in the most unkind way possible). 

I wish I could say something to comfort you. I just guess these nightmares and flashbacks are completely normal and maybe in time will become less although of course the memories will never go because its part of what we experienced and witnessed. I know I can't change what happened and I can't change what my dear Mum had to go through at the hands of unkind staff but I take some comfort in knowing she knew she was loved and couldn't have been more loved by me. I hope in time your nightmares will lessen. 

Hi Chrissy and thank you so much for your message. I am so sorry for your losses; it sounds like you've had an awful time to say the least. I cannot even imagine how painful it must be to lose both parents in such a short time.

The weird thing to me is that these nightmares come stronger as the time passes. There are breaks and good periods, a bit calmer, but then they get their revenge. I feel a lot of guilt too, I keep thinking I did not do enough, I did not tell my mum how much I adored her and how much I would miss her because I did not want to freak her out. I'm sure she knew she was dying but I did not want her to hear me saying goodbye.

I'm just wondering, I've tried so many things and nothing seems to work. I feel exhausted.

Perhaps its the feelings of guilt you have and regrets of not saying some things to your Mum that are helping giving feed to these nightmares you are experiencing. I have feelings of guilt too, things I wish I had done, things I wish I hadn't. I think we have to give ourselves a break and know none of us are perfect, we make mistakes and all that really matters is we loved our Mums and did our best for them at that time. I also didn't want to freak my Mum out by saying goodbye so I never did, not even when she was actually dying, I kept talking to her but I never said goodbye and I'm glad I didn't because in a way I still haven't said 'goodbye' to her and I don't ever want to. 

I know you say you have tried Cruse, different types of therapies etc and these haven't helped the nightmares. Maybe just try to do some self healing. Give yourself extra care. What we go through in grief is traumatic and I actually feel I need to try to recover almost from the stress leading up to my parents passing and the afterwards.