My mum died on Friday. It was 4 weeks after she had learnt that her bladder cancer had spread to her lungs and liver. Prognosis went from extending life with chemo to 2 months to palliative care, in the space of 2 weeks. It was such a vicious and brutal few weeks. She deteriorated massively each day. And when I think of it it makes me feel so sad. But then when she died it was a relief. She was out of pain, and no longer fighting for every breath. And since then, there has been this feeling of calm. It's crippling. I want to cry and be beside myself, but I just feel completely empty. And unable to talk to most people. I feel like I am the one supporting other people, just through my apparent strength. But I don't feel strong. I'm wrapped up inside. It's like it won't come out. I feel sick, and cold, and like my soul has left my body. I do t know. I worry so much that this is me now, and that I will bypass the crying bit. Personally I feel like I need to do that. To cry, and to somehow feel close to my mum. We were so close, and she helped me after my break up and helped to bring up my daughter. And now she is gone. I don't feel like I even got to say goodbye properly. I feel isolated yet I don't want to talk to anyone. I do t want to do anything. I remember that she is gone at times and it hurts so bad, and then other times it feels like my brain has fast forwarded years. And it feels normal. It's so hard to explain. But I want the rawness and the pain. I want my mum.