Reading your message I feel although it hasn't been the same timescale as yourself I can understand and feel the same. I will only be 1 year in May from my Mum passing away and November this year it will be 1 year for my Dad. I lived with my Mum and she was my whole world so regarding my Mum's passing it has hit me more than my Dad, although I miss my Dad so much but its just not the same.

I'm so sorry for what your going through and I don't think its abnormal in any way. When we think how many years our Mums were in our lives so what is 2 years? Nothing. In fact if we feel slightly numb to them going for the rest of our lives I don't even think that is wrong. Death is brutal and I have thought about this so much since Mum passing. They are there every day of our life, every day, then they are gone and no matter where we look we can never find them again on this earth. Its absolutely brutal and there is nothing similar to it. They are here then they are gone. I can't accept it in its total form. I know she is gone as you say about your Mum but accepting that we will never see, talk, hug them again in this life well I just don't know if I can ever accept this and like yourself I feel numb to that in a way.

I think when something is just too overwhelming and too painful to face we push those feelings aside slightly and we do protect ourselves. Its self protection from the most horrid, awful pain we can ever imagine. I'm like you - I block a lot out. There was a day last week when I was really thinking about never seeing Mum again in my time here and I had the most scary panic attack I think I have ever experienced so I take from this that maybe for me it is better to be a bit numb, to block some things because I dont want to feel like that on a regular basis, I think I would have a complete breakdown.

Maybe for you the blocking it out is all part of how you will slowly heal. 2 years is no time. I have heard people say after 10 years they don't feel much different. I think what you are doing is protecting yourself and maybe over time, bit by tiny bit you will feel the grief and pain of losing your mum and then block it out again and so on. If that is your way there is nothing wrong with that because everyone's journey is different, we are all unique and no grief is the same. I do feel we are experiencing similar though because I know I am blocking my feelings although I cry every day I just know there is a block and I think its for the best. I think its just too much pain for you to face right now so you are doing what you can do. I think you feel everything but your mind is blocking it all out to protect you from being overwhelmed and that is probably what many of us also feel. 

I also can relate when you say about disconnected from your Mum. I think because of the devastation of my Mum passing away I have disconnected from the whole experience which at times makes me forget even Mum's voice and so many memories are hazy. We were best friends so it's not because we weren't close, we had an unbreakable bond. I think that disconnection comes from total heartbreak and how we can cope with it. 

I think everything you say is totally understandable and so many of us will be able to relate to. 2 Years is just no time in grief. Take your time on this, do what your body and mind tells you because I think its allowing you to cope in a timescale that is right for you. People tend to think after 1 year and so on that we should be 'moving on' and to that I say RUBBISH! Yes we can and do continue with our life but grief stays alongside us and moving on is not something I can agree with. I just think over a long, long time we become more use to carrying that heavy saddness, heartache and devastation along with us. Your not alone with these feelings. We are here anytime you need to talk. take good care of yourself.

CJ