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I cannot process a sudden loss of my mum and I cannot cope

MartinaLi
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It is long, but I have nobody else to tell. 

My mum worked hard all her life (hard physical work at factory), retired in 2018 and got ovarian cancer, chemo started shortly with a view to remove the tumour after. She had very bad luck, she had a bowel obstruction after the first-round chemo, gets colostomy, continues with chemo, stoma fails and had ileostomy. Finishes chemo and had her debulking operation (which was very extensive as the cancer was spread everywhere). We were told a number of times she is not going to make it, but she pulled through, she was such a fighter. She had more rounds chemo in 2019, 2020 and 2021 but nothing in 2022 as her remaining tumour was stable (it was only few millimetres big but it was on a lymph node so they couldn’t remove it). She had a scan on 29 December 2022, the tumour moved by just millimetre or so but after 14 months it showed some activity. They decided for a short round of chemo, we had a chat with the doctors, they were optimistic as she has always reacted to chemo well. The doctor tried to reassure me, not to worry, there are other options if this chemo fails. Your mum is strong and stable.

She gets chemo on 9th Jan, I spoke to her that day, she was fine. I didn’t speak to her to for the rest of the week. Dad calls me on Saturday morning (14th Jan). Mum had some fever on Wednesday (~37C) but it was gone in the morning, so they did nothing and mum felt good on Thursday. She was a bit uncomfortable on Friday morning but didn’t want to go to hospital, but by afternoon she had difficulties breathing so dad took her to a local hospital. Apparently, they couldn’t find her blood pressure but excluded covid and called the specialist hospital where mum had chemo for a course of actions, antibiotics etc were administered immediately. Dad says when he left on Friday evening mum was not in pain, she just chatted to him as normal, they agreed to talk next day as when to pick her up. He gets a call at 3am when the full blood results came in, the doctor saying they found bacteria and with chemo wiping her white blood cells and not having spleen (had to be removed during the debulking operation), her body has no protection, she is not responding to antibiotics, and she is not going to make it. He called me in the morning, I understood what he was saying but I didn’t at the same time. I was sitting there, not believing, she was fine yesterday so why she would not make it? We also heard it so many times, that I found it hard to believe it would be this time, she was fine last week. I couldn’t find any flight to get me home right that day (I live in the UK, but my family is back in the Czech Republic), so I booked one for the next morning. Dad calls again at 5pm on Saturday, and she was gone.

It has been 3 weeks and I cannot explain how I feel. I am grateful for the extra years she had and somehow, I am grateful that she passed away sort of peacefully. I hope they never told her how serious it was, apparently, she was sleeping in the morning, and she slipped into coma after lunch, never woke up.

At the same time, I am so angry and in so much pain. I am so angry with myself, normally I called my mum every other day, but somehow that week I didn’t. I spoke to her on Monday, messaged on Tuesday but then didn’t call. Left it until the weekend and then I never spoke to her ever again. I am going through my mind why I didn’t call, I though of her a lot that week but didn’t call. I am so upset with myself; I feel like I could have saved her. If I knew she had fever on Wednesday, I would press on them to go to hospital sooner. I feel like I failed my mum.

I am angry with my mum, as she always left everything late, hence some of the issues she had. I am sure she felt bad for some time but waited until it was too late. She always did everything for everyone but neglected herself.

I am angry with dad for not taking her to hospital sooner. He knew she is high risk, and he didn’t take her when she had fever. He didn’t press on her on Friday morning to go, even though he knew she always hid her pain. I know that he suffers, so I would never tell him to hurt him, but I blame him.  

I am angry with the world. I went from being so proud of her, that she recovered to suddenly loosing her. In my mind, she was here for longer, I never expected to lose her so unexpectedly, never say goodbye. I suffered many miscarriages over the years, but my husband and I keep trying, I always believed that one day my mum will hold my child in her arms. Suddenly she is no longer, I don’t understand how it happened so fast, 24 hours and she was gone. I can never tell her how much I love her and how grateful I am for everything she did for me. How life can be so cruel and unfair. She was the kindest person ever; her funeral was so painful as everyone told me how kind my mother was. It didn’t help me, it just made me angrier that God made her suffer so much and when she finally had her smile back and was looking forward to finally enjoy her retirement, he lets her die. Something that could have been prevented, if she got help faster. She just turned 66, she had so many years ahead of her and she was robbed of it. I was robbed of my mum, my dad of his partner of 45 years. I cannot make sense of her death; I cannot sleep as I feel that we failed to save her. I don’t know if the pain will ever stop, but at this point it is unbearable and I feel like I cannot continue with my life, I keep thinking if only I called, she would be alive. 

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    Hi Martina

    Firstly, I can empathise with you as I've just lost my mum this past week, and it was similar, that it was sudden, and I'd expected her latest treatment to go fine but unfortunately there was complications. Just starting my own grief journey, but wanted to offer you some support.

    You did a brave thing by writing out everything that is on your mind. It can be so helpful to get the feelings written down, and express your sorrow and anger. 

    I know it doesn't help everything we are going through, but knowing our mums are free of pain can be a comfort. For me, I'm hurting so very much, but I know I'll never understand her pain, the effect on her mental health, and how much more fight she had left in her. Knowing she is at perfect peace and not hurting keeps me going.

    Your anger and feelings of guilt are so very normal, but in our lives there are thousands of possibilities we could have taken, and unfortunately the ultimate result may not have been any different. Your mum had been through a lot, and eventually so many factors, from the cancer itself to the effects of treatment, they just build up to the point where so many things could have gone wrong at any point.

    You are angry at yourself for not calling at a specific time. But life happens, we have so many things going on, so much to cope with, that sometimes we don't keep to regular schedules, or do things at the same time we normaly do. It just so happened on this occasion you hadn't called, but you know yourself, over the years she was dealing with cancer, you were supportive, there for her, and a fantastic daughter, caring for her and loving her. Remember, when we find out our mums are having treatment, our own minds go to pot. We get forgetful, we aren't looking after ourselves as much, we are overwhelmed. Be kind, and forgive yourself for being human. In a perfect world, our minds would run as orderly as a computer, but they don't. For me, at the end, the stress of my mum's last radiotheraphy had me putting my teabag in a saucepan instead of my cup, I'd drop things, I'd forget to eat, and I'd forget why I'd gone into certain rooms. I hope you can let go of those feelings of your own guilt, because you did nothing wrong, and unfortunately when cancer reaches a point, there is not really much we can do to change the outcome.

    You are mad at your dad. But he is just human too, and would have been under enormous stress too. Perhaps the thought of hospital scared him, perhaps he associated it with your mum declining, and wanted to avoid causing her more suffering. Perhaps he simply didn't see the extent of what was happening because your mum, like my mum, hid her pain and suffering to protect others. 

    And you are right. It's cruel, and it's unfair. And I hope that in time, you can draw a line under the events, realise that it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your dad's fault - it was cancer. And cancer is evil, unpredictable, and horrendous.

    But - your mum lived a life of kindness, she brought you up with love and care, and instilled values, caring and strength into you. You are stronger than you think, because you coped with the years of off-the-charts stress, sadness and despair. You got through that, and you supported your mum amazingly. And your mum would have been so grateful for everything you did for her, and for your love and support.

    Our mums may not be here to cherish those magic moments with us, but we spent our lives with them, learning from them, laughing, crying, sharing stories, having fun. That is precious. Keep those good memories alive.

    It could be a good idea to take a sheet of paper, and write down a number of fantastic memories you had with her over your lifetime. Head each one up with a title, and write a paragraph abour how much you enjoyed it, and a paragraph about how much you think your mum enjoyed it. Try and aim for five lovely memories, and cast your mind back to remember every detail you can, and jot it down.

    Mum is free of pain, free of worry, and free of future decline. She would want you to now focus on yourself, your health and wellbeing.

    I hope in the next coming months, you can focus on your own life, in the three areas of nutrition, physical health, and mental health. Aim for three nourishing meals each day, plenty water, and limited alcohol, and kill any bad habits in your life. Try and get out for walks to start with, or do leisure activities that you enjoy, maybe swimming, or going to the gym, whatever is your go-to exercise. And tend to your heart, soul and mind. If it's for you, download Headspace, Balance or Calm apps on your phone, and take time to quiet your mind. Also, don't be afraid to reach out for some grief counselling too.

    But all these things in time, as and when you can face them. 

    Take good care of yourself, and I hope you can free yourself from guilt and anger in time. They are toxic, and unproductive. We can't change the past, and we most probably couldn't have changed the outcome. And to be painfully blunt, if you had called, it wouldn't have changed the outcome. Nothing would. Your mum's body was tired, and she needed to be at peace.

    You are a good person, and so is your dad. And from the grief, you will become even kinder, more compassionate, and carry your mum's strength and spirit through your life, inspiring others, and I hope one day you will have a child in your arms, and you can tell them all about your amazing mum, and how special she was.

    Take good care of yourself. 

    Sending love and a big hug,

    John

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