Hi Carlos

This is a beautiful post and I am wondering if you also felt guilt, anxiety or anything like that at the early stages of grief. I know each of us goes through grief in their own unique way but from your message I see a very healthy way of grieving which is very far from my experience! I lost my mother 15 months ago and I am so very sorry for your loss too... I have not yet found the way to be compassionate to myself and I am extremely confused. I feel sad, hurt, angry, guilty... I've tried any kind of therapy you can imagine, including antidepressants (that my body did not like at all so stopped after a few months). I decided to travel last month thinking this might help and I'm constantly thinking "what's the point if I cannot share this with mum? Cannot call her, send her pictures"...

Hi Betty,

First of all, thank you for reaching out and your condolences and I am truly sorry for your loss, the way this horrid disease takes our loved one from us is never simple, never easy and there's always a lot of anger, hurt, blame, resentment and working through it all. I was working in China during their lockdown and I wasn't able to come home to see her but she deteriated really quickly and she passed away before I was able to get back because there was no flights and I thought we had more time left than what we actually did - so I have a lot of anger and resentment towards myself and my lack of foresight. I also do understand is that most of it was beyond my control - the restrictions with the COVID pandemic there was nothing I could do to change the course of what I was able to do so I think the first thing to do is accept that a lot of what happened was beyond your control and you did the best you did which I am sure you did.

Two things that have helped me, I know my mum is still with me, a month after she passed, I was in China and I was asleep and she came with me in a dream, I could see her as clear as day wearing this pink jacket she would wear but it wasn't a piece of clothing I would associate with her but she was wearing it and she smiled and said hello and then I woke up, later on that morning I was listening to the radio whilst on the rowing machine in my house and something said in my mind 'the next song will be 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons' I don't know why it did that but that was the message as I was rowing away and the next song that come on the radio was 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons and I then knew she was with me and it was all fine and she was fine and that was the road to acceptance that she was on her journey and she was making sure I was all right. There has been a lot of signs since then - I speak to her about things, to me, she hasn't gone, it's like she has gone on a long holiday and I will see her again.

Another thing that helps is that I am 51 now, I don't know how old you are but how I see it is I might have another 30 years if I am lucky and more than likely I won't be here, I'll be 81 and if I make it to that age, it will be a good innings but if you think about 30 years ago - it was 1993 and I remember 1993 like it was last week, it is like a nothing timeframe away that wasn't that long ago - I was 21, where does all that time go? But fast forward 30 years and I will be officially an old man who is in the autumn of life.

We don't have long as it is. We are all here for a short time and we have to make the most of it, when my mum lost her parents, she was living in the UK and her parents passed away in Peru which is thousand of miles away but she never showed any outward grieving - she went to work, made our tea and was mum but it was only when we lost her and I was speaking to my sister about this today that when mum lost her parents that she held up stoically and that we never did anything to make her feel better about her loss at the time or I don't remember doing anything. I must have comforted her but she just went on as normal and kept her grieving to herself and now she has been reunited with her parents (I believe, anyway...).

I think your mum is with you, she is looking after you and that one day you will see her again, one thing that might help is just ask mum advice because you know your mum like I know mine, if I ask her advice I know what the advice would be on any subject and I know how she would word it as you would know what your mum would say if you asked her for advice and that helps me. I still talk to her and I listen out to the responses, sometimes they come and sometimes they don't but I know one day I will see her again.

My mum lived her life, she moved to the UK from Latin America, she had us kids, went to university, became a Spanish teacher, went all over the world and she lived to a good age, she had a good life, was married to my dad for 51 years - she used to go on her travels and bring back these fridge magnets to plaster all over the fridge, my dad didn't like all these fridge magnets all over the fridge but I am off to Mexico City in July and he has asked me to bring back some fridge magnets 'that your mum would like' and that's what I am going to do.

I wish you well with this journey, it is something we have to go through as children of our parents, my mum always said it would have broke her to have buried us before her and that didn't happen, she had to grieve her loss of her parents and now we have to do the same like I am sure your mum did but she got through it to be mum to you and now it is your turn to go through but you will get through the other side.

Mum hasn't gone anywhere, when you look in the mirror, there she is, if you ask her a question to a problem, she will answer you. Try it the next time, she is around. xxx

Hi Betty,

First of all, thank you for reaching out and your condolences and I am truly sorry for your loss, the way this horrid disease takes our loved one from us is never simple, never easy and there's always a lot of anger, hurt, blame, resentment and working through it all. I was working in China during their lockdown and I wasn't able to come home to see her but she deteriated really quickly and she passed away before I was able to get back because there was no flights and I thought we had more time left than what we actually did - so I have a lot of anger and resentment towards myself and my lack of foresight. I also do understand is that most of it was beyond my control - the restrictions with the COVID pandemic there was nothing I could do to change the course of what I was able to do so I think the first thing to do is accept that a lot of what happened was beyond your control and you did the best you did which I am sure you did.

Two things that have helped me, I know my mum is still with me, a month after she passed, I was in China and I was asleep and she came with me in a dream, I could see her as clear as day wearing this pink jacket she would wear but it wasn't a piece of clothing I would associate with her but she was wearing it and she smiled and said hello and then I woke up, later on that morning I was listening to the radio whilst on the rowing machine in my house and something said in my mind 'the next song will be 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons' I don't know why it did that but that was the message as I was rowing away and the next song that come on the radio was 'I'm Free' by the Soup Dragons and I then knew she was with me and it was all fine and she was fine and that was the road to acceptance that she was on her journey and she was making sure I was all right. There has been a lot of signs since then - I speak to her about things, to me, she hasn't gone, it's like she has gone on a long holiday and I will see her again.

Another thing that helps is that I am 51 now, I don't know how old you are but how I see it is I might have another 30 years if I am lucky and more than likely I won't be here, I'll be 81 and if I make it to that age, it will be a good innings but if you think about 30 years ago - it was 1993 and I remember 1993 like it was last week, it is like a nothing timeframe away that wasn't that long ago - I was 21, where does all that time go? But fast forward 30 years and I will be officially an old man who is in the autumn of life.

We don't have long as it is. We are all here for a short time and we have to make the most of it, when my mum lost her parents, she was living in the UK and her parents passed away in Peru which is thousand of miles away but she never showed any outward grieving - she went to work, made our tea and was mum but it was only when we lost her and I was speaking to my sister about this today that when mum lost her parents that she held up stoically and that we never did anything to make her feel better about her loss at the time or I don't remember doing anything. I must have comforted her but she just went on as normal and kept her grieving to herself and now she has been reunited with her parents (I believe, anyway...).

I think your mum is with you, she is looking after you and that one day you will see her again, one thing that might help is just ask mum advice because you know your mum like I know mine, if I ask her advice I know what the advice would be on any subject and I know how she would word it as you would know what your mum would say if you asked her for advice and that helps me. I still talk to her and I listen out to the responses, sometimes they come and sometimes they don't but I know one day I will see her again.

My mum lived her life, she moved to the UK from Latin America, she had us kids, went to university, became a Spanish teacher, went all over the world and she lived to a good age, she had a good life, was married to my dad for 51 years - she used to go on her travels and bring back these fridge magnets to plaster all over the fridge, my dad didn't like all these fridge magnets all over the fridge but I am off to Mexico City in July and he has asked me to bring back some fridge magnets 'that your mum would like' and that's what I am going to do.

I wish you well with this journey, it is something we have to go through as children of our parents, my mum always said it would have broke her to have buried us before her and that didn't happen, she had to grieve her loss of her parents and now we have to do the same like I am sure your mum did but she got through it to be mum to you and now it is your turn to go through but you will get through the other side.

Mum hasn't gone anywhere, when you look in the mirror, there she is, if you ask her a question to a problem, she will answer you. Try it the next time, she is around. xxx

Hi Carlos and I'm sorry it took me so long to respond. Thank you so much for everything you’ve written, it really means a LOT. It's been one of those difficult weeks. My mother too said many times this is the narural way of life, parents need to go first and like your mother, it would have killed her to bury us or even see us ill in the hospital getting chemo.

The big difference between our mums is that my mother got diagnosed with leukaemia when she was 38(same age I were when I lost her!). My father 10 years later with lymphoma. She had a difficult childhood, a mother that rejected her, and spent much of her life in and out of hospitals either for herself or my father. It kills me thinking that I could have "forced" her more to go together on a holiday but she had a lot of fears by the time I was old enough to be her "parent". She always responded with a "what if something happens? I don't want to spoil it for you or stress you out". She never got to travel abroad, she did not have the chance to properly enjoy life! She kept saying until the last weeks of her life that the biggest happiness for her was her 3 kids, their birth and seeing us becoming who we've become. But I feel that was the only one...

And without her, I've also lost my role, the role of the carer that I've had since I was a child. 

I can also see her, when I look at the mirror, even when I speak as our voices are very similar. But I quickly remind myself that it's me and my mother is gone. That I'm only trying to find ways to feel better.

I've had many signs too since she passed away. One day I remember I could not stop crying, I thought I would go crazy and my anxiety was over the roof. I started cleaning up to distract myself and I found a letter directed to me saying all those things that she would say if she was around. To move on with my life and how much she loved me and how painful it was for her seeing me like that! That letter was written when I was a student at uni and hidden inside one of my books and for some reason I had never opened it to that page!

But she is not here! All that is just myself trying to survive, looking for signs and coincidence yes, it happens. We used to have a very strong bond and still do. But now it's extremely painful. I see my brothers moving on, buying their house and getting married and I am stuck.

I miss her and I'll never have her again. I'm angry at myself for all those things I should have never said. I was tired from her illness(and my father's too) and she could tell. I believe she thought she was the reason I was not moving forward, not creating my own family and being so stressed out about her health, calling twice a day as I lived abroad and spending much of my money for flights to see her.

I don't know what else to do to heal. I really hope time will help.