Sorry for your loss I lost my mum in November to bowel cancer I feel very similar to you have been feeling. My mum was my best friend I also feel very angry the treatment is frankly useless and pretty much as bad as the actual disease. I'm also feeling the same as you fed up with people telling me it gets easier at the moment I don't feel that way even at mums funeral a friend mums I never even met came up to me and said that and I was like you have no clue how I feel I know she was trying to be kind but I didn't want to hear it. I don't really come on chat forums but thought it might help as maybe we aren't alone. 

Hi NC2004,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your father.

I relate to your post. I lost my father in November, 8 weeks after he was diagnosed with a cancer recurrence (dad had cancer in 2020 and we were told he had we cured). 

When we found out dad was ill I moved back in with my parents and took a break from work. I cared for my dad over those 8 weeks but dad deteriorated quickly after being given the news. He wasn't offered any trestment and we didn't even get to see an oncologist.

For those 8 weeks I was mostly running on adrenaline and it was incredibly stressful. When dad passed away I was then  left with an empty void which can never be filled.

My dad is my best friend and we were so close. I saw him several times a day and the pain and sadness I feel after losing him is indescribable. I also feel very angry. Angry that it happened and guilty that I couldn't stop it. I feel cheated that dad was taken away and I don't understand how he can appear fine and then die in 8 weeks.

I find it frustrating when people say it's going to get better or he's in a better place. The relationship you had with your father is individual to you as is my relationship to my father and no one knows how I feel or if things will get better. I think people just say this as mostly they feel awkward so they think saying anything is better than nothing. Unless you have cared for someone with a terminal illness or lost someone to cancer i don't think it's possible to understand. 

My dad told me to keep moving forward and I also want to celebrate my dad's life but the loss is still very raw. I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself and if I get through the day despite the sadness then that's enough for now.

I don't feel like things will get better. I think this has changed me to the core and losing dad is something I will carry with me forever. In a way I don't want to ever not think or talk about him as I love him so much. I'll miss him forever. 

I'm not sure what your exams are for but can you not possibly take some time for yourself? 

Sending best wishes,

Hi, 

This sounds so similar to me. 

My Dad was diagnosed with secondary cancer of the oesophagus in August. He was losing weight and couldn't keep food down for months prior to that. The gp just prescribed gaviston for indigestion. It wasn't until he collapsed at the train station that he was looked at. But this stage he was half the size. 

I deferred my masters and job and moved home to help look after him and support Mum. I'm so glad I was here but it haunts me. We didn't sleep for weeks running down as he shouted out in pain. The last few days he lost the ability to talk and communicate and his frustration at not being able to tell us what he wanted broke my heart. He was always so proud and inderpendant but seeing him lose his dignity towards the end was awful. Not for me but knowing how much he would have hated it. Those last few days were harrowing. He would shout out in pain but he'd grown a huge tumor in his mouth and couldn't communicate. The  nurses tried to calm him with drugs but he fought so hard to sit up and be normal. I feel I let him down, like we just drugged him up to keep him quiet. I would have done anything to help him. The wide look in his eyes and the rattle. I was so so tired the night he died I left my brothers and Mum with him and went to bed without saying night. I was just so broken. I was woken up at 3am by the night nurse shouting for Mum to say he was going. I wish I'd stayed with him. They said he was agitated all night and I hope he didn't think we abandoned him. The night nurse said we had to sleep so it was the only night we didn't look after him. Nothing can prepare for how awful it is. It's not like the movies when you say bye and they go quietly. It's horrific and I wish I'd done better.

I just wish the flashbacks and nightmares would stop. I keep going back to those last few days. I can't bare it.

I was only going to write a couple of sentences. 

[@Heartbroken86]‍ i can totally relate to what you have been through. I went through this on Sunday and I am broken. My dad also had oesphegul cancer and all I can hear is the rattle, I'll never get over the trauma of his passing, it's such a cruel disease. I feel guilt too and total sadness, I can't ever imagine I'll be happy again. You can feel so alone can't you. I feel so sorry for my mum too, such a mixture of feelings