If i was writing on a paper,i'm sure there would have be some torn areas from tears. I lost my mum 14months ago to thyroid cancer and i've been in so much pain since then. I try to pretend and stay stong because i'm her eldest child,my younger siblings look up to me for strength,my dad was so devastated too and also looks up to for strength to move on. All these months since her death,i've found it very hard to face my reality,i try not to think about it,never embraced it. The pain and sad reality is just too much. She died 4weeks to my wedding,a wedding she was so excited for,she had so much plans for. The more painful part is that i'm a medical doctor,i've saved thousands of lives,but i wasnt able to save my mum. There's no night i sleep without dreaming of the last few days with her in the hospital,where i was running around,frustrated,trying to save her life by all means. I spoke to all the specialists i know on earth,i called all my consultants and professors. I cried and prayed to God. I literally watched my mum die,i've never felt so helpless in my life. I did all i could,but cancer wont let my mum live. My mum so much wanted to live,to beat cancer

i pray that one day i find consolation in her death. I pray that i can move on without developing ptsd. I pray she's happy wherever she is. I pray she understands that i tried all my best. I love you so much mum. 
i feel better by just typing this.