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Struggling and need support. Lost my mum 3 months ago

Lauhan21
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Hi, 

this my first time posting on here but I could do with a little support as I'm struggling terribly, I think I just need to feel I'm not alone. 
My mum died 3 months ago. She was diagnosed with lung cancer last November. The cancer eventually spread to the liver and the brain. 
I feel like like I'm not grieving for her loss yet just the cancer diagnosis, the emptiness and physical pain in my heart is so hard to deal with. I have such intrusive thoughts about the cancer and I'm frightened I'll never remember anything but that. I've gotten through Christmas and new year pretending I'm ok but I'm really struggling her loss is so deep and I miss her so so much. Am I normal is this normal ? 

  • Offline

    Hi,

    I am so, so sorry for the loss of your Mum and only 3 months ago. I also lost my Mum to lung cancer/covid, she was diagnosed January 2022 and she passed away in May. My Dad was diagnosed with T-Cell Lymphoma Cancer in August and never left hospital, passing away after also getting covid in November. I can sadly understand the pain your feeling and wanted to tell you everything you mentioned is completely normal.

     

    3 months is the very very early stages of grief, I feel personally 2 years is still early for some people in how they are feeling towards losing their loved one, I certainly feel it will take me a very long time to really feel some acceptance towards the fact I will never see Mum again in this life. My partner and I lived with my Mum for the previous 7 years and prior to this I ran a business where Mum lived/worked with me a lot of that timescale (10 years), she was absolutely my best friend and my whole world.

    I also am just processing their cancer diagnosis, the memories of their health rapidly going downhill over the weeks, the hospital visits, tests, scans, illnesses, symptoms and hospital stays. I think these last memories will replay over and over in our minds for some time to come, gradually I'm sure they will slowly fade slightly and better memories will also come to the forefront. 

    I think pretending we are ok is all part of the grief process. There will be times we can't pretend, the tears will fall perhaps at inappropriate moments and then we will pull ourselves through and be ok for a time and so on. I also went through a pretence this Christmas and New Year. My dad's funeral was a few days before Christmas but I still put up some decorations, spent Christmas morning devastated of my first Christmas without Mum (didn't spend actual Christmas day with Dad since he left over 25 years ago) then got on with the day, willing it to pass as fast as possible. Yesterday was my birthday and again I spent most of the morning crying on and off. Its starting to hit me now much more than it did the first 6 months. 

    I don't think there is one way to handle grief. Each of us has different methods of getting through this brutal, hideous  journey. There is no 'right' way. The loss of your beloved Mum is profound, I feel my pain represents the love I had for her, it was immense so my loss of her is going to equal this. I always knew losing my Mum would change me and it has. I no longer feel the same 'Jane' and I know I never will be again. It has taught me huge life lessons, I have gone through things I never thought I would physically be able to survive without her. I don't want to live without her but I also want to live and the courage she showed me in life I know what she would say to me if she could now, she would want me to continue living as best I could. I feel I am existing at the moment but to be honest thats ok, just getting through the day is enought for now. 

    You will feel heartbroken, devastated and lost without your wonderful Mum. I know the days of struggling will seem neverending and you may continue feeling like this for many months if not longer. There is no magic cure for the feelings we have when we lose a loved one. I think its ones of life's hardest experiences if not the most difficult thing we can go through. Your not alone though, here we can all share our feelings and experiences and in some small way support and help each other. Your doing amazingly just for the fact you are willing to put on a pretence for Christmas and New Year, you have strength and courage, your Mum would be proud I'm sure. Putting on pretences can help for those moments in life when we need to try going through the 'motions' but you also have the thinking to admit you are struggling and to reach out and seek support from others whom understand your pain. I am currently having fortnightly counselling from a Cruse Bereavement Counsellor, it has been so helpful to talk, to listen and to know what I'm feeling is all completely normal, you can find their information online and honestly talking to a stranger really has helped me. I am always here if you need a chat. 

    I do believe I won't ever 'get over' or 'move on' from the loss of my Mum (and Dad) but in time I hope my life can accompanying their loss with some light for a good future, not the best, because the best would have been with Mum here but I hope I can find happiness to walk alongside my heartbreak that she is no longer able to physically share my life. I miss her so much every single hour of every day. Talk to your Mum out loud if it helps and talk to others about your Mum, keep her present in your life in these ways. Take good care of yourself and please stay in touch.

    Jane x

  • Offline in reply to ChrissyJ

    Hi Jane , 

    Thankyou so much for your response it's really helped me knowing what I'm feeling is ok to feel and is normal. 
    I'm so so sorry for the loss of both your parents that must be incredibly difficult and tough. Cancer really is the pits , is it possible to hate something so much that isn't even human ?

    I never thought it would touch me until it walked in unannounced, and the scars it's left on my soul I don't think can ever leave me .... the memories of her fading away before my eyes into someone so so frail and unrecognisable is devastating and I worry my heart will never mend that it will permanently remain broken. I don't feel like me anymore I simply feel like a girl whose mum has died of cancer like I've lost my identity it's a strange feeling. 
    I found a mole on my back had changed shape , size and colour recently so had a drs appointment today whilst I was off work and all I did was sit and sob because I didn't have my mum for support , I felt alone and scared and feared it was something sinister, I'm lucky that the dr told me it was nothing to worry about today and I felt as though she was there with me to hear that. I got home and cried uncontrollably I can't believe cancer took away my beautiful mum. 
     

    I hope you don't mind me asking but how did you contact cruse for your counselling? I think I'd really benefit from something like that. My husbands great but unless you've felt loss like this I don't believe anyone can understand unless they've been touched by it. 
     

    I hope you continue to move forward and I'm sure your mum and dad are watching over you whilst you do, please do keep in touch. Your words have really helped me . 
     

    Laura x 
     

  • Offline in reply to Lauhan21

    Hi Laura,

    I'm so glad my reply could help you a little in some way, especially to say everything you are feeling right now is completely normal and I have also and still feel as you do. I am struggling with the feeling of now being an 'adult orphan' that knowing I have no parents, particularly my Mum to turn to in life. When you mentioned going to the Drs and crying because you didn't have your Mum's support, its that feeling almost like we are children again and desperately want our Mums with us, giving us that unconditional love and care. I'm so relieved your mole is nothing sinister, you had to go through that worry without your Mum there physically and I can understand how difficult that must have been for you. I believe (and again this is just my personal thinking) that my Mum is with me but I just can't see her now until we are reunited again. Whether its true or not it helps me get though the really tough days, because sometimes I really don't know how to continue without her by my side.

    I contacted Cruse myself, I went onto their website www.cruse.org.uk

    There is a freephone number that is open 7 days a week (hours vary daily but they are all listed)

    0808 808 1677 (this number can be contacted anytime they are open without making an appointment) there is also an online chat option so you can type to a bereavement counsellor if you prefer.

    The option I went with because I wanted to have regular bereavement counselling sessions with the same counsellor is "One to One Support" further down the page, "Contact your local Cruse" (you need to scroll down the page to see this). It gives you the option of typing in your postcode to find your local support and then should come up with something like for example "Contact Cruse Devon" and when you click on this it will direct you to a page where you fill in your details and submit and then within a few weeks your local Cruse support will email you back confirming your contact details and give you information on waiting times for your counselling. I waited about 10 weeks for my first counselling by telephone, I have had about 10 sessions so far because of both my parents passing away. I find it so helpful. Its certainly worth a try and for me it has helped all the thoughts that muddle in my mind become clearer too. Whilst your waiting for this one to one support you can still contact Cruse on the freephone number anytime or use the online chat, even between having the one to one sessions, that support is available to anyone during their opening hours.

    I know what you mean about losing your identity, I also feel like the person who has lost her Mum and now Dad, I was their daughter and now what? We will always be our Mum's daughter and they will always be our Mums, its just heartbreaking we no longer have them with us, I use to feel so proud to walk anywhere with my Mum, like going into a shop looking at things and going for a coffee. Sometimes people would glance our way and smile, maybe thinking "oh thats a close mother and daughter", now I am never going to be with her again in this life, I just don't know how we accept this, time I guess makes it become more acceptable but I won't ever like it or get use to it like some people say I will. Maybe our identities now are 'daughters that have lost our Mums' but we hopefully can become even more wiser from this brutal life change. I feel I want to share with the world how losing my Mum has altered my life, does this make sense? I want to somehow take this devastating life experience and use it to help others in some form in the future when I am ready. I think become two people, the one before we lose someone and the one after, they are the same person outwardly perhaps but inwardly we have changed forever. 

    When you said about witnessing your Mum becoming more frail.......I could cry just reading your words because I know that dreaded, awful sickening feeling of seeing someone you love more than anything start to change in front your eyes and there is nothing we could do to help them except be there with all our love, care and support. Cancer strips away their appearance, their strength and attacks their bodies in the most cruelest of ways imagineable. I have become almost paranoid of losing my partner or someone I care about getting cancer now, my counsellor tells me this is all normal and most people feel this way. We couldn't do anything about their cancer and what it did to them but we were there for our parents, showing our love and neverending support and our Mums knew this. The only thing we can continue to do for them is to show that same courage in somehow picking up the pieces of our lives now and trying to live the best life we can without them; for them and for us. Its going to be the hardest thing we can now do. I only take a day at a time now, getting through the day is enough for me at the moment. 

    Anytime you need to talk, please reach out here, so many people on this site understand and share our pain and experiences. You can private message me too on here if you ever need to. I regularly come on here though, its been a source of support. Take care please.

    Jane x

     

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