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Struggling with losing my Dad

Danielle26688
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Hello, I'm not really sure what I hope to get from this and mostly this is a ramble but I need to voice out somewhere. I'm 34 and I lost my beloved father 7 months ago. He was 64.

I had a fear of losing my dad since I was a young girl..my fears came true.  

He passed away from prostate cancer, although he should of had a couple more years the chemo unfortunately caused liver failure and he bled out. I guess I feel robbed of those last year's. Although it was probably kinder to him for a quicker death, he was scared of dying. I watched him change into someone I didn't recognise in such a short time. I have anger that he shouldn't of had the chemo as they should of checked his liver which they claimed was perfect before the chemo but then said it wasn't after.and was damaged before the chemo just finished it off. No autopsy was done to confirm. 

 

I'm struggling to come to terms with it, I have very little support. I am the support. And the support I had in life was my Dad when it comes to emotional, love or affection, I could talk to him and he never judged me. He was always the first person I turned to. No one talks about him anymore and I feel like I irritate people by mentioning him. He was a good man. He worked right up until his death. I feel bad for him that he didn't even really get much of a break to just be sick. Still trying to put away for his pension he never got to use. 

My mom isn't very understanding, and reminds me to be grateful I had a dad. Which I find hurtful. I didn't need him to be dead to be grateful. I was always a good daughter. That much I know in my heart. She knows he was a good man, but I think she is jealous of my love for him or if I express it. I do my best for her too. Shes just not good at showing affection. I got that from my dad. 

Friends have distanced themselves. Either haven't bothered or complain I've changed because I'm not the one phoning or making plans anymore. Family (his side) have pushed me away, I believe because I was closest to him. But then I feel if they loved him as much they would of checked in on the person(s) he cared for the most. Not once did they check in on us. The nurses asked my dad what he wanted, he said couple more years to see his grandsons grow up some up some more. I still cuts me like a knife watching them tell him that wasn't going happen and he wasn't going to go home. His last wishes was to see his grandsons, My son's. Which I managed to make happen. I missed his death by 5 minutes even though I was staying close. I hate that he went alone without me there. I owed him that much. I feel robbed of my time to look after him. It's how we pay our parents back by looking after them when they get old or sick. 

He got married a few months before he passed, and didn't finish his will so I lost my rights with things like his ashes which he promised I wouldn't lose, he wanted to ensure she had his state pension etc so married and I tried really hard to support his wife after but her family pushed me away there and then wouldn't let me help finalise my dad's affairs which to me was part of the grieving process as I felt like I was still doing things for him. I promised my dad I would look after her and she would always be our family. I wanted to honour that. He did love her of course but he wouldn't of married if he was not sick. He told me this when he asked me if I was ok with it. Which of course I was and said he should. And it was a lovely personal wedding day and one of the last happy ones. 

I think I'm a little bitter, all the cards and sympathies went to the wife and it's like I didn't exist. It's not her fault at all. It's just those few months of being married kind of wiped away my rights and voice.  

I know I have the most memories of him and we did the most and had the closest bond and that counts for everything. I just feel I have to pretend I'm ok and not allowed to be upset. That my grief isn't acknowledged, or validated. 

Ive been through divorce since and have two kids to look after. I look after my mom, and have a demanding job as well..It's a lot of pressure while trying to process my loss. The only real unconditional love I had is gone. His hugs just made everything better. My safeplace is gone. 

I have tried to tell people how I feel with no success. I'm not one to cause arguments and I'm a little scared to voice too much for fear of what happens to my dad's ashes. 

I just feel so alone and all I want is my Dad. And I know if he was here he would fix everything. Me and my boys were his life. I don't doubt his love for us, never in my life did I doubt his love for me. 

Surely 7 months I'm not expected to of finished grieving. I've seen people cry over pets longer than I've had to grieve a lifetime. 

Sorry if I sound bitter or angry. I probably am a bit but mostly just hurt. The world is a scary place without him here and I really just needed a place to vent. I only have my mum and brother (not my dad's) left of family and they are not really a place I feel safe turning to openly. Im always the string one people turn to and I'm just tired being strong when I feel so completely the opposite. 

 

Thank you. X

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    Danielle26688

    Hi Danielle, i read  your post and the first thing I wanted to say to you is I totaly understand where your coming from and how your feeling. 

    From your post I can see  and feel the love you have for your dad ,and his love for you and that bond and closeness  you had together  ,those feelings are yours and still yours,no one can ever take that away  from you,I know it hurts I lost my mum on September 29th 2022,so the grief I'm feeling  its still very  raw.

    My mum had so many things wrong,strokes,dementia,

    falls,broke her wrist on   her right side,  broke  her back and pelvis also , and her left side was finished  couldnt use her hand or raise her arm because of her strokes Mum also had blood from her back passage ,and a stool test was done,doctors said results came back with very high markers ,indicating possible bowel cancer,but mum was to ill to go through colonoscopy  procedures  to check for it but they told us the high markers in the blood indicated it was that.

    Mum then got a really bad chest infection ,and thats what killed my mum,she was so so poorly.  I was with my mum when she passed, but I'd stayed at my mums to look after her with my sister for  the two weeks before she went into hospital, and I was up all night ,no sleep for 2 weeks.  So i got so tired ,and layed on the hospital floor, and it was then that my mum passed away,and I keep beating my self up,as I wasnt hoding my mums hand,which I wanted to do,as I did it for my dad when he passed in 1995.

    So you see we all have our regrets ,that we didn't do what we wanted to do,my sister went home ,she couldn't stay like I di at tge hospital when mu. Got admitted ,she was too tired,but I was ,but I couldn't leave my mum all on her own,but that's just me.

    Greif is a very personal thing,it's an individual thing to each and everyone of us,as we all have differnt bonds with our loved ones. 

    Your dad had his bond with you,but his bond with his new wife  and the family they shared ,will be differnt again, and different for your mum also as she and your dad obviously loved each other once. You say you can't talk to your mum ,as you feel your mum is jealous of the love and the bond you had with your dad, and you must feel like your treading on eggshells where that's concerned, which again is hard for you, to keeo your emotiins supressed. . 

    But to be honest none of us really know how anyone is really feeling when faced with the death of a loved one,its different for everyone, as we all have differnt kind of bonds, feelings memories of out relationships with a passed loved one.

    I give myself a talking to sometimes,i tell myself that my mum lives on in me,im  part of my mum,as she will always be a part of me.

    i tell myself that i was lucky to have a mother who i could talk to  to love me as i loved her,t and that not eveyone is lucky to have that kind of relationship we had,and what my sister had also.

    What I did this year on my birthday in November, and at Christmas, I pulled out a birthday card and a Christmas card, my mum had previously sent me,and put it out on my birthday and Christmas with all the other cards I received in the post. It brought comfort to me as if my mum was still here, I knew I would of recieved cards . It was just my way of remembering my lovely mum . 

    7 months is still early ,and it will continue to hit you out of the blue , a song you both loved , an advert that you  used to laugh about ,silly little things like hearing someone call someone with the same name. It's hard ,it really is,but talking about it helps .

    I write ,it helps me ,I write poems on here. I too have had breast cancer in May 2020,finished chemotherapy in December 2021,and Radiotherapy in March 2022.  My son was diognosed with testicular cancer in December 2019,not long before me ,i was devastated about my son,but we both came through it all .So that's why I joined this chat forum it really helps. 

    I know  eventually we will get stronger, your dad and. my mum would hate to know were so sad inside ,and struggling to be strong with out them ,and would want us to carry on and live our life's to the full  and be happy.  So although it's hard ,I tell myself this,life has to go on,and mum is a part of me still ,as is your dad, and always will be , and  we have to  live the life they gave us by creating us through love.

    I do hope in time you can feel better me too ,after all you say you have children your self,and that itself is a blessing, a blessing you gave your dad,as a nanny to three I know how lovely and special to me my Grandchildren are.My  Grandchildren  consists of a boy of thirteen,from my daughter and her partner ,and two little girls aged 10 and 7 today,yes today January the 1st its her birthday from my son and his wife.

    So try to look on the good memories ,and realise the love you and your dad had for each other lives on in you  and your children. 

    Always popping on here if you need to chat about anything.  Take  care and I wish you a happy new year .x

     

  • Offline in reply to Jassoscared

    Hello, thank you for taking the time to read my rant and. So very sorry for the loss of your mum. 

    In the beginning I seemed to be on auto pilot, yes I cried a lot but I still somehow felt he wasnt gone for good. 

    The holidays, new years and his birthday this week all back to back has really hit it home. The longer it goes without seeing him the more it seems to hurt. Though the pain changes. 

    I did write him cards, I couldn't not. I have some of his ashes in tattoo ink which I had his handwriting from a card he sent me on my arm. It helps to look down and see it and hear his voice in my head. My mum was critical of that as well with ' I don't like tattoos' . I'm not a massive fan but this was different. 

    I am a daddy's girl through and through. He was such a sweet soul and I was blessed to have him, that I wouldn't change. He wouldn't want me to be sad, he used to hide telling me things because he didn't want to worry me. Though I knew his was hiding it so I worried anyway. He probably would of gone much sooner if I hadn't of played up to get other treatments available when they wouldn't do chemo during covid. I'm glad they didn't do chemo then as it's what ended it much sooner. He did his best to protect his little girl. I never got to tell him how proud I was of him. I was too worried to say goodbye because I don't want to scare him more. 

    I'm mostly hurt that a month after his passing it's like that's it now I have to forget it and move on. No one's checked in on me, asked me how I am or the boys. People don't talk or share memories which hurts the most. Almost like I should be ashamed of my grief. Which when I can't turn to my own mother is hard. And yes they always stayed good friends which is odd how it's turned now. She had thrown at me that I love him more than her and tried to put him down which had caused a void there now. My gran passed 8 years ago and my mum is still struggling with that so I thought she understand and not just expect me to be ok after 2 months. 

    He does live in me, he always will and I will push through this because hed want me to and my boys need me to. I am half of him and I am so very proud to be his daughter. 

    Likewise if you need to talk about your mum, it sounds like you had a very bumpy ride as well, I'm sure her knowing your presence was there she would of known in her own way I'm sure. Im glad to hear you and your son got through both your cancer. I admit I can't imagine the worry of it being a child. My boys are 14 and 5. My eldest was close to him. He was the only real make role model in his life. But my children are healthy and for that I am grateful. 

    It's true what they say. Grief is the price of love. X

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    Hi Danielle

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know i will be in the very same situation as you this year.

    Just before new year, my dad was diagnosed with grade 4 oesphagus and liver cancer and told he had 6, maybe 12 months to live. My whole world came crashing down in that instant. 

    I'm not sure how i will get through this. My Dad was fine until 7 weeks ago. Now hes deteriorating rapidly. They wont treat him due to his current strength. Chemo would wipe him out. I'm so angry and confused. He had protate cancer 3 years ago and stil has treatment for that. He's the kindest soul and the best Dad and Grandad.

    I too am not a massive fan of tattoos but I've already looked at getting his finger print tattooed onto me. 

    I hope you are doing ok. its such a horrendous time to be going through xx

  • Offline in reply to Danielle26688

    Hello Jo 

    The fingerprint is a lovely idea. I would of done something similar but as we didn't get the 'youve got 6 months left' and went much sooner than he should, I had fear of doing the goodbyes as I didn't want to scare him anymore than he was. 

    The funeral home told me about turning ashes into tattoo ink. Little bit grossed out at first but soon came round the idea. I certainly can't lose him if he's in my skin. 

    It would of been his birthday today, 65 and counting down his last year until retirement. 

    I feel for you, I know how anxious and scary that time is. I did some time researching anticipatory grief which helped validate my feelings. Grieving someone who is still alive is lonely and by far the hardest thing you will go through. Watching someone you love that much fade away and be helpless to stop it is heartbreaking. I used to sit just staring at my dad. Taking him in when he wasn't looking or just sleeping. The silence was comforting in a weird way. 

    A girl doesn't know true heartbreak until she loses her dad, and this I stand by. You will get through it, as hard as it seems now. You will learn to love him in a different way, the transition from loving in presence to absence is a difficult path. Your love for him will still be there, that doesn't change. 

    My only advice is one day at a time, be kind to yourself, soak in the moments of silence and hug him lots. Don't but pressure on yourself to just be ok. Accept the feelings of anger, guilt and so on. Do what you need to do to mend your broken heart. 

     

    My thoughts are with you xx

     

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