Hi,
I lost my Dad to esophageal cancer in 2006 but really struggling these days and have more days sad than happy. I was 22 when he finally passed after 2 years of fighting. I'm 38 now. I must say that for most of the time after his diagnosis he carried on life as normal in between the block sessions of chemotherapy. Both his Mum and Dad were moved from West Wales to Swansea to a Nursing home during the time he was ill and sadly his Dad passed away less than a year before my Dad. Neither of his parents knew anything about my Dads ilness not to worry them so he had so much to deal with running around making sure they were ok. He never gave in and not once did he complain but this must have taken so much out of him physically and mentally. Going about telling everyone he was fine, optimistic and with his usual positive it won't beat me mindset even tho the survival rate for esophageal cancer is very low as it's so advanced before it's detected. Sitting at the dinner table and food getting stuck in his chest was the initial sign something was up. Of course Cancer never entered his/our minds at that point. Not once did he complain or let out to any of the family just how ill he was in the months/weeks/days before he died. Never a smoker nor did he drink often. Worked part time in M&S coffee shop in Swansea for 2 years after retiring from his proffesion of nearly 40 years in which he gave everything (heart on his sleve) He used the gym regularly, he smiled constantly and genuinely loved people. He was physically and mentally very tough so that makes it all that more confusing how he got taken from us. Both his parents lived well in to their 80s so at 55 how did this happen?! I sit in the family home surrounded by pictures of my Dad. My tears pour down my face, i'm still in disbelief and not sure if it's all true but on the other hand i know it is. All those years ago but still feels just the other day he was here sitting on the sofa, making food, pulling in the drive and walking up the path, coming to watch the rugby with me. I still sit here and look out the window picturing when those things were still a reality. My Mum told me just recently that before he went in to hospital the last time he took days off work which he would not do lightly, he was as determined as any person i've ever met in this World. Mum said he was laying around on the sofa complaining of pain in his back. Mum said after a while 'come on let's go down the hospital'? He replied to my Mum if you take me in they won't let me back out? I didn't know this until my Mum told me recently. He also told a friend who's son he coached along with myself for the local rugby team 'look after Gill (my Mum) and the boys'. His friend had told my Mum that after he passed. This makes my tears fall hard ! :( such a proud family man, would walk through brick walls to make sure his family and friends or just people in society were OK, a heart the size of a lion. A tough yet very emotional man (he was Italian so that's where his emotion came from) Why did he have to do and go through all this?! It causes me so much pain. I feel that my 20s i masked everything, i went travelling twice and maybe drunk alcohol more than i should have but not sure if that was part of being young, travelling or just drinking to forget the physical and more so mental pain my Dad had endoured. I called up the hospital around 10 mins before he took his last breath. My Dad looked worn out and tired, my Mum called him to say 'Tony, Ian is here. And my Dad said i know and smiled. After his last breath would he have heard the panic and people calling the nurses. I read up that hearing is the last to go. Did he know what happened the moments he left us?! It's becoming more apparent that he knew he was leaving all his family for good when he mentioned to my Mum they won't let me out if you take me down the Hospital i know..but the moments before was he aware?! I go over this in my head day after day, hour after hour. He loved us so much and would never have wished to leave us. He was the man, the rock and the foundations for so many people throughout his life. This would have helped kill him to know he wasn't there for anyone any longer.
Sorry for writing so much, i just go over all of this so often in my head. Hope everyone somehow gets to enjoy Christmas
Take care,
Ian
