Hello. 
I am a 43 year old man, who has recently lost my mother from Pancreatic cancer. Im lucky that my two sisters have been very supportive and are experiencing the same feelings. I am also used to dealing with death and suicides as I am a police officer in London. I guess for me, the only way I can describe my grief is it comes in waves. I can go for a few days feeling as if I have got this, and other days where a trigger event will happen. This could be for example; at Christmas buying items and a I will think this will be my first Christmas without her. Or, I'll think I'll call mum tonight for a catch up. Suddenly remembering that I can't. And never can again. I know this is all new and fresh as My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in May 2022. She had jaundice which first gave away something wasn't right - that's when we found out and my mum chose not to have chemo. Partly due to her current health condition, age and wanting to enjoy the time she had left. However long that would be. My partner and I moved our wedding forwards to July just 8 weeks after diagnosis to ensure my mum could attend. 
We thought perhaps she may have 6months to 1 year. According to nurses and doctors - From May. She was on holiday in Devon when she went downhill. And it was determined in hospital there in Devon she had sepsis.

She was losing weight and eventually became unconscious. After a few scans and tests it was determined blood clots had formed on the brain and mum could have had a stroke. Eventually it was determined to not treat and let nature take its course as blood thinners was not working and the cancer had spread since May. Within 4 months my mum died. And within 8 weeks of our wedding. We hoped we would have Christmas with her. And up to a year or even 18 months.

Instead, we got 4 months. However, I count my blessings as work were very good and allowed me to stay in Devon close by to my mum when it was determined nature should take its course there. I spent 5 days with my mum making eye contact and holding her hand, at the few times she was awake. She couldnt talk and I wasn't sure with her dementia and hallucinations she had experienced if she recognised where she was or what I was saying to her. I had the opportunity to tell her all the things I wanted to say in private to her. She passed away before 4am and my sister was with her in the hospital room. I got there within 10 mins of her passing as I was staying at a local hotel. I beat myself up that I was hundred of miles away from home to be in Devon and I had missed her passing by minutes. But. I'm happy she wasn't alone. It was the toughest 5 days of my life. When it's your own mother it's a very different story to seeing a body at work and still be respectful but, being able to disconnect when coming home. I think as I have been planning our wedding, changing and bringing it forward, then to arrange travel and worry about my mothers health, to then plan a funeral which happened to fall a few days before my birthday and then working full time in London in between, I've not had the correct time or space to properly grieve. I did visit my mother in the chapel of rest on two occasions and even wrote my eulogy with her on my birthday as the funeral a was a few days after. 
 

I would love to hear any tips whatsoever from anyone in a similar position as to how to grieve properly and to any coping mechanisms people may have and like to share? 
 

I wrote a long letter and placed it in her hand in her coffin. Her ashes have been scattered and a majority interred in her local church yard. Near her parents. my sisters and I have done everything together and have made compromises. 
 

I really don't know how I will cope at Christmas and on my next birthday remembering what happened and how my last was spent. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

I just hope, while she was unconscious at hospital and sleeping she heard those special things we all said to her. 
It would be reassuring to know she did if any experts out there know these t little facts?