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Coping with the loss of mum

Stubbsy.86
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Hello,

Didn't know where to turn to and seen some really good pieces of advice on here so I thought it would be nice to get some things off my chest so to speak.

20th December 2021, My mum was taken into hospital struggling to breathe and they found fluid on the lung which was being drained but it kept coming back and the cancer in her lung was just so aggressive and she died 14th January 2022.

I'm really struggling to cope with the loss more so recently which I will come to in a moment.

Of course I understand death is a sad time and should be a happy time to remember your loved one but I suppose whats eating me up is the fact I wasn't allowed to visit my mum during her time in hospital because of covid but I was allowed to be with her in her final stages which feels me  with some comfort knowing she wasn't on her own at the end.

My mum was only 62 when she passed, I'm 36 but i feel so angry and drained that I never told her how much I loved her often and appreciated everything she done for me. I got engaged this year but i feel so guilty I never done it sooner so she could see. Not seeing me having kids eats me up also knowing how much of a cool grandparent she would have made. 

I lived with my mum and sister in a council house, mum always made sure we was looked after, fed and had clean clothes and that's even when we was older. Everyone say's it will get easier which I'm sure it will but at the moment I can't see no light at the end of the tunnel.

May this year we filed for succession of the house, which we was told it wouldn't be a problem. Then november 24th came and someone from the council posted a letter through the door at 9pm and we open it and see it says failed succession because my mum took off my dad when they divorced and that we are being evicted by the 26th of december this year.

I was finally getting back on track in some kind of normal way and the idea of spending christmas with the inlaws filled me with joy, but now I just want to be alown and I feel they won't understand. I'm scared of being evicted as I've lived in that house all my life and I will miss all the memories. I know one day I would have left because getting married and starting a family but now it just feels like I'm losing a piece of mum.

I miss her so much and just want her to tell me it's going to be ok but I feel like it's not. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading and looking back it's pretty brief summary but I just wanted to get my feelings out as I find it hard to talk about my emotiones to people.

  • Hello Stubbsy.86

    I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your much-loved Mum and all the other difficulties you've experienced since she passed away. It's understandably a difficult time for you and natural that you're experiencing a whole range of emotions.

    Grief is a natural process but it can be devastating. It's often described as a rollercoaster with natural highs and lows in the journey. As you approach your first Christmas without her and then the anniversary of her passing, it's natural that you may be finding things hard. Add to that you're now facing the loss of your home, then I think that many people would feel overwhelmed, lost, and saddened by all that you're handling. 

    The memories that you have with your Mum and family in your home will always remain with you, no matter where you are. If you'd anxious about forgetting some of those moments then you might think about writing about them. Maybe include some photos through the years. Having those memories that you can look at or read through over the coming months as you adjust to living somewhere new may bring some comfort and reignite memories of happy times together. 

    You mention in your post that you find it difficult to talk about your emotions to people. I know that many of our members here will understand that. It can often be easier to talk about these things with people that we don't know - someone who isn't otherwise involved in our lives - and so I wonder if you might find it helpful to have some grief support. I'd suggest having a look at the Cruse website if this is something you want to consider they're able to offer a range of different bereavement support options. 

    In the meantime, be kind to yourself Stubbsy.86. Take things a day at a time. If a day feels like too much then just go hour by hour to get through this especially difficult period. 

    Do keep posting here on the forum if it helps to have somewhere to write down your thoughts and feelings. I know that there are many people who will understand the feelings that come with the loss of a loved one. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

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    Hi Stubbsy

     

    Apart from the housing situation, your story is very similar to my own by the sounds of it. I can't really offer much by way of advice regarding the succession of your house, but is there any way you can speak to your local council to appeal the decision or just speak to someone about taking over the tenancy? It may be worth looking into as it certainly couldn't make things any worse!

    Like I say, my experience is very similar. My mum died in February,after being diagnosed with Cancer of Unknown Primary, she hadn't even started treatment and they were still carrying out tests etc when she died from blood clots. It was completely unforeseeable and was very traumatic being told that she had 24-48 hours to live.

    My mum was 63 and I have just turned 32. I relate so much to all the secondary losses you are going to have. I got married in September, and it had never previously occurred to me that she wouldn't be there - it was always just a given. As we approach Christmas, I am just filled with reminders of the things that were happening this time last year. She was quite unwell throughout December and last Christmas and was taken into hospital as the New Year was being rung in. 

    Please be patient with yourself - if you're anything like me, the shock is only just beginning to subside, and outside factors, such as the housing situation you are in can really make the grief hit home unexpectedly. My dad has recently entered a new relationship and that has made it impossible for me to ignore my grief any longer. 

    You are not alone in your pain, I'm sure that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but like you, I don't see it yet. You do have friends in the darkness however, and please seek help if things are getting too difficult. You can only take so much, so lean on your fiance and soon to be in-laws, I'm sure that they will be more than understanding of your needs. Don't cut yourself off completely, but also don't feel bad if you want to take some time alone too.

    Sending love. This Christmas will be hard, but we will both get through it xx

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