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I can’t accept my mum has gone

Tucksy77
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My mum died at the end of Oct. She was an EXTREMELY fit & healthy 73 year old who ate well, didn't drink or smoke, played tennis 3 times per week, had no red flag symptoms and was rarely ill. Everyone thought she was 10-15 years younger than she was and she was an absolute joy to be around.
 

She started with what the dr thought were gastric symptoms in Sept, but by the end of Sept we found out (in A&E after a private US and then a collapse) that actually she had advanced bowel cancer that had metastasised into her liver. She'd done her bowel cancer tests every time they came through and never been called in for anything. By the end of Oct she was dead, having been in agony and discomfort as her abdomen swelled due to the huge liver tumours. She withered away in front of us and I was holding her hand as she took her last breath. She didn't even get the chance for palliative care to help ease her to the end. 
 

I'm furious at how she was treated during the 6-7 weeks (nobody helped us at all, we had to do all care ourselves) and I just can't accept she's gone. It's destroyed my dad's life and I miss her so much - she was the BEST of people and I'm devastated that my 4 year old won't grow up with her nanny in her life. 
 

I did everything for/ with my dad - registering the death, organising the funeral, sorting all paperwork, wake, etc etc. I saw her take her last breath & I felt her heart stop, but I just can't accept she's gone. I've bought a book and my dr has referred me for bereavement counselling. How do I get my brain to accept that she's not going to come walking round the corner again? It was so fast we didn't have time to adjust & I've no idea how to deal with it. I know she's gone - I hoped the funeral would help - but it hasn't. I'm a mess and I wish there was a switch to push me to the acceptance phase. I feel angry and exhausted, underpinned by overwhelming grief. How could this happen? I can only describe it as trauma and I can't seem to move on. Please, can anyone help me? 

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    Tucksy77

    Hi Tucksy 77

    I'm so sorry for your loss,its so hard to lose a parent  ecspecialy your mother. I do understand all of your feelings  as I lost my mum recently too on the 29th September  2022,like you I was with my mum when she passed and took her last breath  although I did have my son with me in the hospital for support,my sister and I had stayed at my mums the two weeks before mum had to be admitted to hospital.  My mum was older aged 89,had her birthday in another hospital on August 8th 2022. Its really hard to accept that they have gone,it just doesn't really sink in,even like you said  after the funeral ( buriel) and wake on the 9th November 2022,which me and my sister organised ,it still hits you when you least expect it too. Like you we struggled to get the medication , equipment  like sliding sheets,special  pillows we were asked to order via state registered nurses , occupational therapists, certain charities etc , no one seemed to help. Mum was paying for carers 4 times a day. The antibiotics my mum needed  we were told the pharmacy couldn't get any,as they were oral type, as mum couldn't swallow well. I know in time it will get easier, ive been through this before my dad in 1995, and my husband commited suicide in 1997,its awful and grief is a natural process, there is no time  limit,it will always stay with you, it just becomes less raw than it is with time. 

    Im always popping on here from time to time, I do hope in time we will feel a bit more human a bit more like ourselves, but for now  all we can do is let our feelings out,talk about it all ,as its better out than in. Always here if you need a chat .sending you a big hug   x.

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