My dad died on Tuesday. He was diagnosed with tonsil cancer in 2020 and had surgery and radiotherapy. The doctors told us he would be cured. 

In April my dad developed lower back pain which we thought was sciatica. The pain got worse and after having a private MRI scan in September we found out he had metestatic cancer to the spine, rib and skull.

The ENT consultant told us that it would not be related to the throat cancer and investigations began to find the primary source.

My dad was given morphine pills which sent him agitated and he ended up in the hospital for nearly two weeks with confusion. Dad hated being in the hospital and asked everyday to come home but I told him that he needed to get better. A bone marrow biopsy was also completed.

At the end of October dad was discharged from hospital and for a few days he seemed to improve but his appetite soon dropped off and he became confused and agitated again.

I got a call 8 days ago to say that the cancer was related to the throat cancer and the following day the GP referred dad to hospice. He went to the hospice a week ago today, the confusion could not be reversed and he died on Tuesday. 8 weeks after we were informed it was cancer. Myself, my brother and my mum were with him when he passed away.

My insides feel like they have been ripped out, I can't stop thinking that I did not see how Ill he was and I should have better protected and preapeared him for what was to come.

My dad was my greatest joy in life and he and I were always the closest in the family. I can't bare the thought of life without him and I see no hope of any future at all. My mum and dad were married for 50 years and she has no idea how to manage any aspects of life on her own. She wants to be with me and I can't stand it and just want to be on my own and with my dad.

I see no hope and I just feel crushing sadness everyday. I wish it would just end I feel like I am I a hole so deep I'll never get out of it.