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How do I move on?

Caraxxx
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I lost my mum bk in may 2020 broke my heart so see her suffer with the lung cancer. 
2021 my dad started getting confused they couldnt find anything going on in December but he had also been referred to get a sore checked in his mouth which came bk as cancer which broke me again, he went thru all the major surgery and spent 4 months in hospital his confusion wasn't helping whilst he was in hospital I thought the cancer would of been over but they said it  was in his lynodes, he had been having 6 days of radiotherapy to his mouth,  

 we had to wait for another appointment because the facial cancer doctor dont investigate what going on next  ‍♀️ 
He was out of hospital first week out things was ok but he started with blood in his feeding tube so ended up back in hospital for a week so he had to come off his blood thinners after that I had taken him to a and e because he was in pain again but in his leg where they discovered a blood clot. 2 weeks go fine then he's back at a and e I thought there was something wrong with his feeding tube but they didn't find anything on the scan. (Why do they not do a full torso scan?) 
This  is the part I just can't get out of my head

The bad pain he was in.... his lips was going blue I told the nurse they came in checked him over and said everything's fine. 
they gave him some strong pain killers and he relaxed a little. I wanted to stay with him but I felt he wouldn't sleep if I was there so I left him at 4 am the following day I got the call to go down coz because he had took a turn, they had said he had fluid in both lungs and had a drain in 1 and giving him oxygen. He was in so much pain!  He died that day. 
13th July 

no body told me he was going to die! 
I could just tell near the end it wasn't looking good. I held his hand. 

how do I get past the awful end of my parents life

I cared for them both whilst they went thru this awful disease I just can't ease the image out of my head of they last day.

 I try and look at photos of my dad and my mum but it always leads me bk to awful end bits and it hurts so bad

Will it pass? 
or should I seek someone to take to? 
 

 

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    Hi Cara,

    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom and Dad. Your post really hit home as i lost Dad to bowel cancer in 2018 and Mom to the same cancer in August this year.

    Like you, i watched both of my parents who were such a presence in my life deterioate before my eyes, it's totally devestating and only people that have seen that will ever truly understand. With Dad, those bad memories faded over time and i started to remember him as he was for the majority of his life, which started to slowly bring a smile back to my face when thinking of him. 

    Mom was only 66 and she seemed to deterioate so quicky. She was beautful, youthful and active. This is what devestated me most, how quickly it happened. I have times where i can't get the images out of my head and it's not good, i know. I do look at photo's of her and that does help. I would always advise that you speak to a bereavement councselor. 

    I'm sorry that i can't advise further but i just want you to know that there are other people out there going through it with you.

    Take care.

  • Offline in reply to GoneFishing25.11.18

    Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you have been thru it too it's so hard

    My mum sounds like your she was a very active lady 4 months from when she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to the brain she was only 63 you always picture your parents growing old and dying in their asleep peacefully  . My dad was 67 but he had battled thru life a lot I started taking care of him just a few months after my mum passed away because he had to have his leg amputated I think he really struggled with that he always thought he was a burden but I always corrected him. He also was struggling swallowing food which he had 2 failed stents and they never found out why (they could never get enough tissue to do a biopsy) and covid hit so I could never go with him to his appointments feels like I have so many questions that can't be answered 

    im pretty sure when he started getting confused and saying he had seen my mum. I thought he would of had a brain tumour but they told me it was deluim from his drinking. After that he got referred to have his mouth checked which ended up being cancer then after him going thru the major surgery and seeing him all confused and not understanding what was going on was hard for me ,

    His behaviour changed he would turn nasty which make me wonder if it was a spread to the brain and no one was telling me.  ( with my mum they asked if we had seen any behaviour change)
    I think I drive myself crazy I've just got to try and drop it and start sorting myself out find myself again. 
    I would talk to my partner but I don't think he would understand how it affects me. 
    and I don't know how to see a bereavement councselor. 
     

    thanks again x

     

     

  • Offline in reply to Caraxxx

    Hello Cara,

    I am so sorry to hear of your losses. Yes, a traumatic time for you that is still fresh and painful. 
    Just want to say it probably would be a really good idea to find a counsellor to talk things through with. It really does help you to get your feelings out. Especially with someone you don't know and who listens to you without any pre-conceived ideas. They listen so that you can tell your story. It's a relief to off load the angst. 
     

    I think your doctors surgery could recommend a bereavement counsellor. OR search for an organisation on line called Cruse. Their services are free and they only ask for a donation if people can afford to give. Or just look for bereavement support on line and agencies near you will pop up. I really think it would help support you through this very painful time. 
     

    In the meantime take care of yourself. Go well 

    Kebbs. 

  • Offline in reply to kebb

    Hi 

    Thank you for your help much appreciated cancer is so cruel x

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