Hi this is likely to be a ramble,sorry.

My mum was the most massive part of my life, I went everywhere with her. I saw her every day for 46 years without fail unless I was on holiday and even then I would ring her everyday

. She was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer in January 21. It was a shock, at the time the drs told us she was likely to only have 9 weeks. She moved in with me and my family as she was really unwel to begin with. It was hard but also really lovely to have her so close.

My mum was so strong, she was 80 but had worked up to the day of her diagnosis, her outlook on life was so get up and go, she was an inspiration. She smashed the 9 week barrier and was stronger than ever.

But in October I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. I didn't know how to feel, I was scared but put it right to the back of my mind. Had the op in November and waited for the radiotherapy. It was a long wait but I was due to start in February. During this time mum and I argued quite a lot, she was obviously upset by not being able to help me and also the fact that she knew she was getting more poorly, and I was angry that the breast cancer had come along. The strain on my partner and daughter was also becoming difficult.
The week before I started treatment my mum caught covid. I feel so awful, I couldn't sit with her or spend time with her because I had been told catching covid would mean I couldn't have my treatment and I was scared. Also though having that space between us helped me realise again how much I needed her.

About 1 week after covid she was taken into hospital with an abscess on her liver. She was really poorly, she was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks, she wanted to come home but didn't get well enough. 

I went to see her as normal in the hospital one evening, she was weak and in and out of sleep. I feel awful that I didn't stay there with her but I felt I needed to get back home for my daughter as she was struggling with what was going on. The next morning the hospital called to say her breathing had changed and I should come to see her. She never regained consciousness but I was with her holding her hand when she passed.

It's been nearly 8 months now, luckily no sign of the breast cancer, but I feel totally lost. I never knew your heart could actually really feel broken. It's a pain like nothing else that jumps at you out of nowhere. I cry most days, I feel guilty that she was alone when she had covid and alone her last night in hospital. I just don't know how to make that better. I love and miss her so much, how does it get better?

sorry I said it would be a ramble!