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I miss my husband so much

northstar
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My husband passed away on 30 August 2022.  He was my everything, my whole world.  We did everything together and knew each other since we were 15.  We were married for almost 33 years and I cannot bear life without him.  He was diagnosed in May 2018 with osephegal cancer.  He was told they could operate but after going through all the hoops, the aneathetist made the call that it was too risky so he embarked on countless rounds of chemo and radiotherapy and umpteen endoscopies and loads of hospital appointments, countless ambulances and trip to A&E where we had to repeate the same story to medical people who just didnt understand what was happening to him.  Many mistakes were made by the medical teams, I constantly had to battle with the NHS for everthing to happen and query everything and double check everything.  He had a stroke because "they" told him to come off a certain drug, "they" overdosed one of his meds during a hospital stay 2 nights running, his mental state declined, he became anxious and had no concentration.  All this broke my heart  To see the person you love the most in the world go like this was hell.  His last months were horrendous but he was at home and I did everything for him as our love was so strong and I know he would have done the same for me.  He passed away quite unexpectedly as I just didnt believe this could happen.  I kept thinking a cure would be found, some new treatment or he would "bounce back" as he did so many times before but he was losing so much weight and could not eat or swallow latterly despite his oncologist assuring me they wouldnt let him starve to death but in actual fact thats what happened  I am so angry at his doctors. 

I was and still am in complete shock.  Having to organise the funeral and do all the closing of accounts and contracts etc is so hard.  I cannot stop crying all day, I feel like my heart is shaking, I used to be confident and outgoing and now I am anxious, have no confidence and dont want to do anything.  Nothing seems significant any more.  I have never felt pain like this.  The hole he has left in amy life is unbearable.  I dont know what to do, except be with him as soon as possible.  

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    I am so sorry for your loss.

    You were obviously a very close, loving couple and you are understandably feeling very lost right now. There are various stages to grief and everything you're feeling, the anger, the disbelief and the pain is all a part of that. Do you have any family or friends who are supporting you through this? 
     

    Debs

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    Hello northstar and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat, 

    I am  so sorry for your loss. As Debsjay said, you seemed to be a very close loving couple, had been together for so long and it's normal that you are feeling in complete shock and very lost right now. What you had was very special and I am sure you have incredible memories which will live on forever and which you will continue to treasure.

    Debsjay was also spot on when saying that there are various stages of grief and that everything you're feeling is part of that. There is information on our website on Coping with Grief which I hope will shed some light on some of the emotions you might be experiencing at the moment. All these practical things you have had to do are unbearably hard and remind you of everything you went through. So many of our members will be able to relate to that and I hope they will be along shortly to share their story with you. 

    Perhaps it would help to go and see your GP and talk about all this and see whether you could have any support to help you get through the coming days, weeks and months. Your doctor will be able to guide you I am sure as it sounds like having been through such a traumatic experience, you could do with talking to someone. Your doctor will also be able to address the feelings you described of not wanting to do anything and feeling so low. 

    If you feel you are really struggling at any time of day or night, feel free also to give Samaritans a call. They are here to listen and you can call them on 116123 for free. 

    We're thinking of you during this difficult time and wanted you to know that you are not alone, that the forum is always here for you to offload and talk to others who understand what you are going through. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

     

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Thank you for both replies, it is so hard, I could never believe I would feel like this, the pain of losing "my other half" which he really was, is unbearable.  Every minute of the day I think about him, I think about his deterioration, the vast weight loss, the loss of strength, his mental state, the constant appointments, the constant nurses coming into the house and ultimately how it was at the end.  It is just terrible.  I feel robbed of our future, we would both have been 60 next year and we loved to travel, now I dont want to even leave the house.  Yes, I have friends and some family who try their best but its only words and when they leave and that door is shut, I have never felt so alone in my life.  Ive been told to take each day as it comes but every morning when I wake up crying with the realisation that he is not coming back is like a knife in my already broken heart.

  • Offline in reply to northstar

    Hello Northstar.

    I know precisely how you are feeling right now.

    As I type this, my wife of 38 years is in her final days. I don`t even know why I am writing this, except maybe, I just have to.

    I don`t have any answers for you, and you can`t help me either.

    The pain always seems far more than I can take. 

    At 62, I`m not sure of anything now and yet, I was always absolutely sure of everything.

    I am sorry that you or anyone has to go through this pain, but now its my turn.

    I wished there was a switch somewhere.

    Everyone says "look after yourself". There you go.

    Lost and lonely soul to be.

     

  • Offline in reply to SigmaMale

    Hello northstar, I know exactly what you are going through as I cared for my husband of 52 years when he had stage four cancer, the loss is very hard, we spent a lot of time together especially because of the two year lockdown, it's a big black hole isn't it and you open your eyes each day and think, now what?  So it's now 9 months since Norman died and I am feeling more calm, although Wednesday was  our 53rd wedding anniversary, or would have been.  I took my time to let myself feel each day as I did, but friends and family kept me going, if I didn't want to talk they understood but still said they were there for me.  Wednesday was so hard but it was a friends birthday so I bought her pink roses and went to see her, her husband has cancer as well so I knew how she felt, it made me feel better to cheer her up.  When I came home a beautiful orchid was delivered from my daughter saying how much she loved me and to remember the good and happy times with Dad.  My grandson arrived with two big bunches of flowers also, we all love you grandma he says hugging me, he's only 11.  So my point is that there are others who love and care for you and would be so upset if anything happens to you.  Try and find one small thing that makes you smile each day, a photograph that has good memories, speak to others, ask how they are, you will always find that helping others helps you too.  It's early days for you, just grieve and take care of you.  Each step along the way helps you move forward, in 9 months I've lived through Norman's birthday, Easter, Mother's day, our anniversary and next week my birthday, all of these we made special occasions so I carried on with that and made each one special without him.  I'm sorry your heart is broken but it will heal, slowly but surely, it will be put back together.  Sending love and understanding, Carol x

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