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Diagnosis to death in under a week

Hgcoral
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Hi all, 

So my father died suddenly and unexpectedly and I'm trying to process a whole range of emotions and I'm not really sure I know how to. I feel so cheated for the life him and my mum should have had. I feel so sad and worried about my mum I'm not sure I know how to process my own emotions.

Roughly 6 weeks ago my father (59) developed a stomach issue - swelling in the stomach area, loss of appetite and general fatigue. The 1st doctor him and my mother visited said it was IBS.  2 weeks later it wasn't any better so he went for blood tests at the dr's - mum and dad are thinking maybe its gall stones or a stomach ulcer - 3 days later his blood results from the Dr are in and my mum is being instructed to take him to A&E - they run CT scans, he sits in A&E for 12 hours before the DR's tell him and my mum he has lesions all over liver and both lungs he has terminal cancer and there is nothing they can do but pallative end of life care - my whole crumbled, dad is 59, mum is 57, I'm 32 and my brother 30 - I thought they would grow old and grey together.

Dad eventually gets moved onto a temporary ward later that night whilst they await a bed to become available on the cancer ward, the DR's say they will run a biopsy on dad to see if they can determine the primary cause. Me and my brother visit dad in the hospital the next day and he is just staring at the ceiling (for the entirity of my life he is either watching football or got music blaring - the silence is eery) , mum tells us dad has made peace with it, he isn't scared of dying, dad has told mum he has achieved everything he wanted to with his life - they celebrated 35 years of marriage just 2 weeks before the diagnosis, he walked his daughter (me) down the aisle 7 months ago, he has had an incredible life with amazing friends and family and he is ready to turn the light off on his life. - I'm finding it really hard to process that he didnt want to fight for us, fight to stay with us longer he was happy to go.

Just 5 days after dads diagnosis my mum called me in the middle of the night, the hospital had called and dads kidneys are failing we need to go and say goodbye - dad didnt look ill, his skin wasnt grey, his eyes werent yellow and he was still talking through his Oxygen mask telling us how proud he was, 6 days after his diagnosis my dad passed away I hadnt even processed the diagnosis and then he was gone and my mum became a widow at 59.

Tomorrow is my dads funeral and there is expected to be over 200 people, my dad comes from a huge family and he had so many friends. I've been off work since it happened taking care of all the calls and all the admin and looking after mum. Im dreading going back to work because I just dont see the point in anything trivial anymore (I work in Insurance)

I'd been staying with my mum since it happened because I hate the thought of her being alone but we realised this proably wasnt healthy for either of us so I came home a few days ago but all I do is worry for mum.

How do I ever switch that off now I know she is so lonely. They had been together for 35 years and never once argued. I just feel so angry at dad that he was so ok with dying so ok with leaving us how can you be so content with knowing your life is ending, I feel angry for mum and dad that they didnt even get to retire. I feel sad that my dad will never meet my future children and I feel sad that my mum will be alone for the rest of her life (she has said she will never want anyone else because she could never love again because nothing would compare) 

 

I'm so sorry for the essay I just feel so completely loss and it just all hurts so much. 

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    Hi Hgcoral,

    I'm saddened to hear that you have just lost your father and in such a short time too. It must still be a shock to both you and your mother and your poor father hardly had any time to process what was going on for him. I understand your pain and your worry about your mother. She is lucky that you are around to support her but it must be very hard as you are both grieving and it must all feel so raw right now. 

    My youngest brother of 65 was diagnosed with cancer of the oesophagus about 8 weeks ago. He's rapidly become so unwell that he has no option of chemotherapy and has now been told he has about a year, possibly longer, possibly less. Over the past weeks his prognosis has worsened as the cancer was discovered to also be in his liver and lungs. He's now having difficulty and pain with swallowing, is losing weight and is in and out of hospital.

    Every day I wake in the darkness of the early hours and think about him. I wonder if he is also awake, feeling fearful of dying and wondering when his time will come. I feel so sad for him and wish I could be going through it instead of him. I feel his pain within me and desperately want to rescue him. It all feels like a bad dream. I even blame myself for his illness. You see, I cut off all contact with him and his family 15 years ago and now wonder if that may have contributed to his illness? But I can't change the past and now I cannot even visit him. 

    I think that you were very brave to open your heart and talk about yourself  here on this forum. Your post was the first that I had ever read here and it sounded a bit of a similar situation to mine but of course it is also very different and very personal to you. What I have learned about bereavement is that there is no order to the stages or emotions that we go through when it happens. The way you feel right now may be somewhat different after the funeral and you may in time begin to feel less angry. Had your father had more time you may have had a better understanding of the tragic situation that he was struggling to deal with and I wonder if he was trying to put on a brave face so as not to upset you and your mother? With more time you and he may have been able to talk about how you were all feeling and even hold each other and have a cry together.
     

    I became familiar with bereavement service called Cruse when I was training to work in the NHS. They have a helpline number. They used to be able to offer group and individual support and if they still do perhaps that would appeal to you at some time. 
     

    I pray that you may experience a little peace after you say your last goodbye to your  father at his funeral. Seeing so many people as they come to pay their last respects to him can be a comfort. 

  • Offline in reply to Lolalilo

    I just want to say so much if what you both have written correlates to me.

     

    i lost my dad 7 years ago to cancer, a short battle, within 3 month of diagnosis. When he died I was so worried about my mum, being on her own ....all the time. I felt that constantly but she was living on her own.

     

    10 days ago my mum passed away, also from cancer. A very short time from diagnosis, I was by her side, I feel so sad but I can only carry on in some way, I'm scared to griev but know I have to. 
    I spent every day with my mum since diagnosis, I can't believe what she went through it was so tough seeing the decline and seeing her frustration, also with her knowing her prognosis, I would wonder what is she thinking about dying, she said she was content, just didn't want to suffer.many her will have experienced similar.  It's very very tough. I wish you all the strength. 

  • Offline in reply to Lovemydad

    Being by your mum's side at her end of life when she was suffering so much sounds like the kindest and most loving thing you could have ever done for her. I'm sure that she would have felt comforted by your presence. My understanding is that a berievement can sometimes be more difficult for a person who has had a difficult relationship with the person that they have lost or if they were unable to be there for them close to the end. I hope that you too have someone close who will also help you at your present time of need as it takes time doesn't it? Be gentle upon your self. Thank you for your reply.

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