My Dad passed away from stage 4 prostate cancer last month. Everyone thinks that I am fine and that I should be "over" it by now and have moved on, no one asks me how I feel, even my fiance despite me saying to him how no one asks me how I am and how I feel down his response was that "people forget by now". When he initially died/days before his passing my Mum couldn't cope any more and I was the one dealing with nurses/getting death certified/undertakers and I feel like I didn't get a chance to grieve until now. 

I have flashbacks at night to how he looked/acted in the days before his death-he was fitted with a syringe driver a week before he died and was cared for at home by myself and Mum. I don't think people realise what it is like to watch someone deteroirate in that way. How they turn into a shell of themselves and can no longer do anything for themselves. I think the 
hardest part was when he lost the ability to speak. I have nightmares about it, how he looked/what the care was like before he died and revolving around death. 

Dad refused to "deal" with his cancer either emotionally or medically, which makes me angry. You could never speak to him about it without him "blowing up" over it at you and how we didn't understand anything (despite asking for him to explain it he wouldn't). What made it worse was finding out from my Mum when he was first diagnosed was that they offered to remove the tumour, which he refused and it makes me wonder would he have lasted longer if this was the case. Alongside the prostate cancer, which had spread into his bones/neck, he had issues with acid reflux and struggled to swallow food and tablets, he would not get this treated and again I feel like if it had been addressed he would have had a better quality of life and better chance against the cancer. I was told to just let my anger all go and forget about it as "it didn't matter now he was dead" but I can't as I never got a chance to speak to him over it as he would become extremely angry.

I grieve alone at night with music turned up loud so no one hears me crying, I am due to go back to work soon and just don't feel like it. It was a struggle to get sick leave in the  first place as I am a PhD student and I was not entitled to any bereavement leave or care leave prior to Dad dying.