My vibrant, energetic, warm and loving mum was unexpectedly diagnosed with gallbladder cancer in August this year and died 6 weeks later (last week). Up until 5 days before her death we were all, including my mum, very hopeful that she would make it to chemo and it pains me greatly now to think back on those conversations as we had no idea what was coming.
At 67, my mum was loving life - retired and enjoying the freedom to travel, a 40 year marriage going strong, three children who were always around, her first grandchild whom she absolutely adored and a huge amount of close friends who kept her social diary packed - she desperately wanted to live and kept saying so, so watching her sudden decline in the last 3 weeks to the point where she could no longer do anything for herself was torturous to say the least and, in the last two days of her life I found myself willing her to die because I could not bear to see her unable to talk, walk, eat or drink. The death itself was peaceful - we were all holding her hands, chatting, singing and telling her how much we loved her and that she was safe - and for that I will always be grateful.
Since her death, I have felt unexpectedly calm and the majority of the time, have felt nothing much at all. I think I must be in some sort of shock and this slightly scares me as in the brief moments where I acknowledge the finality of the situation I feel overwhelmed for a few moments and then seem to be able to snap back out of it. I know there must be a tidal wave of emotion coming because my mum was such an enormous part of my life, we spoke everyday and I know I miss her - I miss her smile, I miss her wonderful anecdotes, I miss her advice and support, I miss her worrying about everything, I miss her unconditional love and I even miss her annoying me about all the silly things.
Most of all, it hurts to think about her lost future. She adored my 1 year old and it broke her heart and mine to think she will now miss out on all the key milestones in my baby's life and one line she said keeps playing over on repeat in my head 'I so wanted to be there at the school gates with all the other grannies' - on top of that she will now never see my younger siblings become parents and this has been a very tough pill for everyone to swallow.
My family seem to epitomise the spectrum of grief that people talk about - one of my siblings has not been able to stop crying and is feeling all the emotions very acutely, my other sibling seems to be carrying on as if nothing has happened and I'm somewhere in the middle. My dad, who is clearly distraught, has never been good at displaying or talking about emotions and is just trying to get on with things. Despite our differences, I recognise I am very lucky to have a strong family and, whilst the dynamic has changed dramatically forever, we are able to talk openly about what has happened and about mum.
If anyone else has lost their mother very quickly like this I would really like to know how they have coped over the weeks and months and if they have found any strategies helpful in navigating this horrendous journey my family and I are now all on.
