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I can’t cope

jade.samantha
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My mum was diagnosed with neuroendocrine cancer in January this year it really is hard as we were two peas in a pod. 
my mum has raised me alone as my dad died when I was six weeks old and it has only ever been me and her. We did everything together and when I had my son (I am a single mother also) it was only me my mum and my son. We have only ever had one another and I was my mum's carer since I was 15 years old. She had a brain haemorrhage in 2014 and was told she would not make it through But she beat the odds and after months of intensive care and rehab she came back as strong as ever.

When my mum was diagnosed in January I thought she would pull through Because she always has done she has always been so strong. She moved in with me and my son and I looked after her and gave her all medication she needed, stayed up all night took her to hospital when needed and did everything for my mum and I don't regret any of those moments.

 My mum had to go into a hospice near the end and she died on my dad's anniversary so I believe he came to get her.

I cried for four days straight but I've been in denial, I kept busy with the funeral and week and organising the van to empty her flat but for the past 2 to 3 weeks it's now hitting me hard and I have not left the house I have continuous panic attacks, I'm scared of antidepressants and medications but I can't live like this anymore. I shake internally, I keep going to the toilet, I have headaches and off-balance I'm not sleeping well, I've lost weight my hair is falling out and I'm on edge with adrenaline every minute of every day I'm snapping at my boyfriend and son and I feel like a bad mother and partner.

Has anyone else felt like this has anyone else felt like this?

I have never lost anybody like this and I have never had a day go by that I have not seen or spoke to my mum I feel like I can't cope or do this without her I have hit rock bottom I hate how I physically feel and I am scared that I will end up admitted to hospital because of my mental health I'm scared about everything and feel I have lost myself I don't know how to cope please help. 

I'm scared of the feelings and scared of the off balance and panic attacks. I have no friends or family or support- 

mum on the list for CBT and bereavement but been told it's a 12-18 week wait

im stuck in my negative thoughts and obsessing about going crazy and fear of losing my mind 

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    I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry to hear of the anxiety attacks you are having.

    Having suffered from these in the past, I know how debilitating they can be. With our mind racing away from us, even the most simple physical task, such as putting one foot in front of another, becomes a challenge.

    And having been diagnosed with cancer twice in the last 4 years, I have had to test my ability to withstand these attacks. 

    I am not qualified to give you any advice, even if I had any to give, but I just wanted to reach out to you while you wait for one of the nurses to come along with some help.

    All I can do is tell you that you are not alone. There are many people out there who on the surface of it may be engaged in the performance of a quite ordinary task but who internally are clinging to a wreck, trying to ride out a raging storm.

    Bon courage.

    Tim

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    I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry to hear of the anxiety attacks you are having.

    Having suffered from these in the past, I know how debilitating they can be. With our mind racing away from us, even the most simple physical task, such as putting one foot in front of another, becomes a challenge.

    And having been diagnosed with cancer twice in the last 4 years, I have had to test my ability to withstand these attacks. 

    I am not qualified to give you any advice, even if I had any to give, but I just wanted to reach out to you while you wait for one of the nurses to come along with some help.

    All I can do is tell you that you are not alone. There are many people out there who on the surface of it may be engaged in the performance of a quite ordinary task but who internally are clinging to a wreck, trying to ride out a raging storm.

    Bon courage.

    Tim

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