I'm devestated to hear your news, I lost my mum aswell,  4 weeks ago, I don't know what to say, but just know that I'm am thinking of you, and if you ever want to chat, im hear ...

I lost my late husband 9 yerrs ago to rectal cancer which spread to his lungs and bones. The last month or two were Hellish and I was with him almost all the time. At the end he panicked and was really afraid and like you, I can still feel like I'm back there in that place, and see and feel his fear and my helplessness. My regrets at not knowing how to respond still hurt. I wish I'd done it differently.  I recently got a diagnosis of PTSD due to having flashbacks and maybe this is how you are. It's so real and it's awful. Speak to your GP about a diagnosis. If it is PTSD, you can get help like I am. I'm so sorry you are going through this as it hurts and it's horrible. My heart goes out to you

Hello Leeg82

Im so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's just so devastating. I lost my Mum in December to bladder cancer that had spread to her bones too so I can really relate to your words and have felt so much of it myself. 

The pain my Mum suffered still haunts me and memories of her time in the hospice come back sometimes when I least expect it. As if losing our Mums isn't enough, this side of it feels unbearable doesn't it. 

I was having panic attacks at times over the last few months and felt as if I was constantly full of adrenaline. I went to the drs about the anxiety etc and they gave me a prescription for some beta blockers just to help take the edge off of the panic, and I'm also doing some counselling which I've found really helpful. Now I feel a little calmer and when those horrid visions come I can almost let them come and know that they will pass on - as horrendous as it feels to sit with them. Hopefully in time you will find this too. Just know that everything you are thinking and feeling is totally natural and so many of us on here have experienced the same. 

For those that expect you to move on, well that is their issue so don't feel any pressure to do so. You had your Mum your whole life so far so how can you be expected to move on in just 5 short months. I don't feel we ever move on from our grief, our life in time will just grow around it as we adjust to life without our lovely Mums. In time hopefully it will get easier but for the moment we have to give ourselves time and space.

Be kind to yourself and remember there's a whole community of people here to listen x