I really felt a deep sadness reading your post and the immense heartbreak you are feeling over the passing of your lovely Mum. Your wonderful, brave Mum went through so much and as you mentioned she held on for your family and had all those little and big milestones she wished to experience with you all, what an amazing lady and Mum. 

I lost my Mum in May this year and also went through the awful experiences of seeing my Mum suffer things I really can't erase. We lived together for the past 8 years (along with my partner) and I also worked/lived with my Mum for 10 years before this, she was my best friend, my world. I completely understand how you are feeling "don't know what to do."

I can tell you what I have experienced 3 and a half months on from losing my Mum but every person's journey in grief is unique to them. The first few months went in a cloud of numbness, disbelief, almost a surreal experience. I knew my Mum had died, I was with her but it just didn't feel real at all to me. I went home - everything was the same, her bedroom, her bits and pieces, all just how she left it a week before she went to hospital. Somehow this comforted me slightly, i didn't want change, I don't think I could have coped. I had other stresses going on so I had to deal with those and since Mum passed away now my father has been in hospital most of August. I had to walk pass the room where she died everytime I visit my Dad, it was overwhelming at first but now it has had to become something I just accept. Now I am finding the numbness is going and the stark reality setting in. Our routines together which we shared daily have gone and I am so lonely and missing her and our relationship. I am finding grief and the immense emotions we experience overwhelming at times. Its almost like I could give up but I will not allow this to happen. I know what my Mum wanted for me in life and how hard she battled with her health and the awful things that cancer does just to stay alive for me and herself. Mum loved life. She loved me and she wanted me to continue living for myself and for her. So thats what I am doing. day by day I am living without her, and it is the most extremely heartbreaking and difficult thing I have ever had to do - live without my world. People say time is a healer, I personally don't fully believe this. The way I understand for me is that grief is now a part of my life, every day, there will be no getting away from it, I have lost my Mum and the love I had for her is represented in my loss for her, it will be there always. I am also seeing that although we carry grief with us it doesn't mean there will be no more joy in life, no more happiness, no more light. I have laughed since Mum has gone (something I actually never ever expected, especially within a few months after her passing) I have laughed and mostly I have cried and been completely broken but there have been glimpses of hope and I hang on to those and appreciate them and know Mum is with me still somewhere.

There are no words I can say to you to make you feel better but please know that you are not alone, there are so many of us here walking your path and that in itself means we can all support each other, we understand. I found I am still processing losing my Mum, it almost feels like bit by tiny bit I am slowly processing it, I am also still in a state of some denial and I think it is self protection. Do what feels right for you and be kind to yourself above anything else. Don't push yourself beyond what you can cope with. Remembering your Mum by talking about her is the one thing I find most helpful too. I notice most people look uncomfortable when I talk about my Mum but I NEED to talk about her and I will continue to talk about her all of my life, it keeps her alive and it is good for me.

Here for you if you ever need to rant, talk, share anything. I am so so sorry for your loss of Mum.

Jane

Hiya Sammy, my dad died 2 weeks ago and I had never experienced cancer before (closely). Seeing the decline from an active dad to a skeletal, weak, and in the end, when the brain tumour took over, just basically not my dad anymore - was the worst experience of my life. Being with him when he died, I was equally devastated and relieved that he didn't have to be like that anymore. All I can say is keep talking about and to them - it gives me so much comfort to talk to him and talk about him. I don't want him to ever disappear from my life completely and that's the best way I can keep him around. Also, just take your time and feel whatever you feel. There is no right way to be at the moment. So sorry about your mum and what she had to go through and now the loss you feel xxx