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Missing mum

Dsgard
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Hi 

I lost my mum in May to pancreatic cancer. Having hardly and experience of palliative care and caring for mum and being with mum as she passed much earlier than expected as left me in so much pain. I miss her so much and have only just scattered her ashes. Some family have been very cruel since and some ok. I feel lost and cannot stop getting flashes every night when trying to sleep. I cry every day and regret the time we wasn't in touch. I'm so grateful I could be there. I couldn't stay in my new job in palliative care as it just made me worse. Sometimes I tell myself I didn't do a good enough job and other times I'm OK. But most of all I cry for the hell I saw her go through. Its been 3 months and some people are acting as if it didn't happen. I'm so angry at the world 

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    Hi there ... I'm so so sorry your going through this heartbraking time at the moment... your not alone, many of us have walked the path ... please know it's so normal to feel guilty about things ... none of us are perfect .. but the anger sort of gives us something to focus on ..

    The thing that helped me loosing mum and many loved ones sinse, is thinking of them before cancer touched them .. your mum gave you life, helped you walk ... took you to school ... got you through teenage years ... I bet you had many happy memories if you think back ...

    Cancer wants you to concentrate on the sad times .. then cancer makes you a victim too .. it loves filling your head with cancer memories... don't let it win ... every time it's overwhelming  ... close your eyes and remember the best memory you have of her ... relive it slowly ... every word every feeling ... how it made you feel ... do this slowly over and over till it pushes those bad memories away ... 

    Sadly there's no easy way .. and those around you that don't help, try to stay away from them .. try to be with people that care for you and understand ... so hold on in there... and remember many of us know the pain of loosing a parent or someone we love ... sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x 

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    Hi [@Dsgard]‍ 

    Firstly, please accept my condolences. My mum died last year from pancreatic cancer just 5 weeks after being diagnosed so I know exactly what you went through and are going through. I went through the same experience of palliative care as you and it left my deeply traumatised. Make no mistake, you have been though a deeply traumatic time and that is going to affect you. The cancer sucked my mum of any will to live in just 5 weeks and I didn't have anyone to share that with and that really f***ed me up. I cried every day for at least 6 months, until eventually I turned to bereavement counselling and antidepressants. You tend to notice that most friends and family are either not interested (because they have their own busy lives) or just don't know what to say, and so they don't say anything. I was also very angry, angry at the NHS, angry at people who didn't understand, angry that I couldn't do anything to stop mum from dying.

    A year later and I'm doing better with everything, so I guess, although you will never get over it, you will move on over time. If you are struggling, however, I do suggest that you seek out counselling or speak to your GP.

     

    I hope this helps.

    Dan

     

     

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