Reading your post this morning related to me so much. I am sorry for the loss of your Mum and how she went downhill so fast. My Mum was diagnosed in January and passed away in May this year. Its shocking how fast their health suddenly changes. My Mum and I could barely keep up with the daily symptoms, I felt completely helpless and devastated to witness what my brave and courageous Mum had to go through. 

I feel as you mentioned - I know she isn't coming back but at the same time I can't believe she is gone for the rest of my life. I think this is normal, death is so brutal and when we love that person so much how can we possibly just accept these life changes and be ok with it? One moment I think I have maybe come to terms with it then I realise I have a barrier up to the whole of the situation and I am only pocessing parts of it, maybe to protect my sanity. 

Your still in the early stages of losing your Mum - just over a year, its no time at all. You loved your Mum all your life so the time without her has been such a small amount of time. In a way time is of no relevance when it comes to losing someone and the bereavement that comes after. I can't understand people that put a limit on the timescale people should be feeling better after the death of someone, there is no time limit, we miss them all our life. I am only just realising that for me time is not a healer. The loss of my Mum will be with me all my life, I can accept this but I am hoping the lighter moments in the future will be more frequent alongside the immense sadness I will always feel that my Mum is not with me. This doesn't mean I have given up on life, I want to live the rest of my life as best as I can for myself and for my Mum as she desperatey wished for me but I will always miss her beyond words can ever explain and my heart....well its broken right now and will never be the same as before she passed away. 

I think processing and dealing with the memories leading up to our Mum's passing and now the living without them is going to possibly be a continued journey. We will learn from this, we will change as people, we will be broken and we will not be the same as before but that doesn't mean we won't be able to find joy and hope ahead of us. Maybe help others that are suffering on similar paths. I feel I am only at the start of trying to process the loss of my Mum and reading your words made me realise it is not something that can be hurried, it takes what time it needs. We are facing one of the worst life changes so the fact we are still here takes strength and courage, we need to remember we are not alone, so many of us are walking the same path. Please keep in touch if it helps. Take care.

Jane