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Coming up for a year since my mums been gone

rainbowsprite84
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Hello, it's my first time plucking up the courage to use this site.  In September last year I was by my mums side as she took her last breath.  Pancreatic cancer took her from us.  She fought for over two years and was so so brave, as im sure many of your loved ones were too.  In the months that followed, it was a bit of a blur,  and I went back to work maybe too soon.  I don't feel like I let myself grieve.   When I felt those awful moments of uncontrollable crying I usually took myself off to somewhere alone.  I still do that and I have no idea why.  I try to push those feelings away, and I really try to think of happy things about my mum,  but any thoughts become overwhelming.  Then eventually those thoughts go right back to those awful 4 days of her in the hospice and it breaks my heart all over again.  My mum was always a strong willed person who would just get on with it no matter what was thrown at her wand I feel I got that from her, but how do you just get on with losing a part of you? Is this normal to still feel it so raw like? We are doing something in September for when it's been a year and I'm dreading it.  I don't want to dread these things I just want to be able to look back on all the good times without my thoughts resorting back to throughout those 2 years or the last 4 days.  I don't feel like I want to talk about it with my loved ones because they are dealing with it too and I don't want to bother them and my friends maybe expected this months ago not nearly a year later so I feel silly talking to them now too.  I guess I'm just looking for other peoples experiences so I can see if this is normal or not.  Everyone deals with grief differently I know that but some advice would be so welcome ️ 

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    Hi Rainbowsprite84,

    I just wanted to say I am sorry you lost your lovely Mum nearly a year ago and I am glad you came here and posted this message, it really can help to reach out to others who completely understand what you are going through, we can all support each other through what is simply the worst times of our life. My Mum passed away 3 months ago and I am feeling no different than at the beginning, still a mixture of disbelief, occasional reality, heartbreak, overwhelming fear and panic, deep deep sadness, regret, anger (at the hospital), loneliness and a feeling and knowing that I am not the same and life has changed in ways that will remain.

    I have felt let down by certain family and friends. Some people I spoke to recently that haven't talked to me since Mum's passing didn't even mention they were sorry about Mum, nothing was said. I find that really disappointing. I don't worry what others think of my feelings on losing Mum, and I hope you won't either. 1 year is nothing in grief, you had your Mum in your life all your life so how can 1 year on be a long time. In fact I was reading about someone that lost their Mum 25 years ago and how much the pain and loss still hits them. Our pain and sadness represents the huge amount of love we shared with them. There is no time limits on grrief. None. Don't ever feel guilty for feeling what you do 1 year on, 2 years or 10 years.

    I also think its normal if we have witnessed our loved ones in pain, suffering, and possibly dying in our presence that we are going to have those memories coming back to us even mixed in with the happier memories. Its perfectly normal. We can't go through what we have with our Mums final days and not be affected by this. The happier memories will always be there for you to remember too. You have got through 1 year without your Mum and she would be so proud of you for doing this. I feel sometimes like I have an emotional barrier up regarding Mum, I don't feel I have fully accepted she has gone, in fact I know I haven't. I am wondering if this is for the best for me, a self protection in place, perhaps the pure reality would be too overwhelming right now. I worry I will have a breakdown so I guess my mind has shut some of it away and I am dealing with what I can cope with. How do you cope with the awful moments? Do you find you are still able to smile and laugh at times? I never thought I would but I have and I am grateful for this. Please keep in touch. I think its lovely that you are doing something in September to remember your Mum. Its normal to dread it because its a reminder of your immense loss but it will also be a way of you honouring your love for an amazing woman and I'm sure on the day you will be so glad you have done it. Take care.

    Jane x

  • Offline in reply to ChrissyJ

    Hi Jane, 

    firstly, I'm so sorry about your lovely Mum also and the fact it's only been a few months, you are doing everything you can to just get by day by day.  Secondly, thank you for taking the time to reply and it was a lovely reply at that.  
     

    you've definitely got it right about the barrier going up.  I think we do that to protect ourselves for sure and just deal with what we can otherwise yes we would probably have a breakdown.  I do still laugh through life and at work I feel like I can put on a different persona so to speak.  Again that's probably just me protecting myself and not really dealing with my emotions but it's what Iv done all these months now.  Plus my work colleagues have been pretty great throughout. 
     

    im so sorry to hear that you've been let down by some loved ones.  I think it's hard isn't it...to know the right thing to say or do but at the same time they should have offered their support and let you know they were there if you needed them.  
     

    i also don't think we will ever get over it as such.  I think maybe time will change the strength of the feelings but it's always something that will stay with us and we do just have to try focus on all of the happy memories and hope that gets us through it.  You were right when you said not to feel guilty about how I feel, no matter the time that's passed.  So you take that advice too and we will just take it day by day.  There will always be bad days and I think we need to realise it's ok to cry and maybe crying is the best thing sometimes because when you don't it can build up to an overwhelming sadness so I think il let the sad days in and hope that I can think about the happier days more, in time.  We just have to do what we feel is right for us don't we? 
     

    sending you lots of love at what I know to be such a difficult time.  If you ever need to chat then message me anytime.  
     

    thanks for sharing your story and for being strong enough to at a time where you may not feel so strong.  Your Mum would be so proud also.  
     

    s

    x

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