I am so sorry and sad to read your post and the loss of your dear Mum. My Mum passed away of covid pneumonitis and she had advanced incureable lung cancer. Mum was diagnosed in January and she passed away in May but she had the signs of lung cancer back in 2017 on her right lung, they only biopsied her left and then they stopped all CT scans because the chronic changes on her right lung had not altered in a while. My Mum was badly neglected. I was sad to read you say your Mum was treated badly too. I can completely understand when you say your not coping at all, just lately I feel I am only just keeping everything together, I'm more emotional, having more panic attacks, I feel so heartbroken and lost without her. I don't know if we will ever come to terms with it the only thing I guess we will do is become more accepted or use to it because over time we will have to but I don't think time heals for some people. We have lost our world, our security, our best friend, the one person who would do anything for us and that can't be replaced by anyone else. I know you must be worried with having a child with a health condition, your Mum was a constant support. I feel now that if I have any more health problems my Mum won't be there anymore, she was the only true person that understood me and really worried about me. There are options for one-to-one counselling with cruse via telephone calls which means you will not need to be in any group setting. I have self referred myself to their telephone counselling but there is a long waiting list, you can just call their freephone number and wait in a queue if they are busy for immediate telephone counselling. I empathise with your lack of motivation, I have presently lost motivation for most things, I have to force myself. I did most things with Mum so now she has gone I am completely devastated without her in my life. I hope in time things will start to look more lighter for us both, just take it day by day and don't worry if your not feeling ok, its normal. Wish I could give you words that would make you feel better, all I know is we have to keep going and its so so difficult to do that without the person you love so much. We are stronger because of our Mums, they were amazing and we need to live as best of our life as possible for us and them. Keep in touch if it helps, take care.

Jane