On Wednesday afternoon my beautiful and brilliant dad passed away unexpectedly. He was walking to his wheelchair to go to his first treatment when he suffered a cardiac arrest. I managed to make it home in time to say good bye and have him know I was there, my sister was already with him. He adored his 2 girls, we were three best friends. No favouritism, no resentment. Just love and contentment when we were together. He knew we were with him and he was able to go as peacefully as he could. Two teams of paramedics, a rapid response team and the critical care team tried for over an hour to resuscitate him, he was deemed the most critically ill man at that point in the West Midlands with everybody gathering our quiet, quaint street on a hill, but despite all their efforts and the efforts of my next door neighbour, my sister and myself we could not save his life.
He battled lung cancer for just over 10 weeks, he had no symptoms until a niggling pain in his rib from February turned severe and landed him in hospital and after 4 days of not knowing, he was eventually diagnosed with this awful disease. His cancer was not just in his lung, it had spread to his liver, his rib, his spine and we now suspect his leg. In 10 weeks he went from a fit, healthy, happy 57 year old with a zest for life and adventure to a man who suffered from constant agonising pain, a spinal cord compression and not long after that immobility. Despite the constant amendments to medication, his pain never went. When I look back, we knew he was dying but we were all too scared to admit it, and because of my dads fighting spirit despite he himself knowing he was dying, he still tried to attend his treatment on that day.
The hole he has left is indescribable. He was one of a kind, I know everybody says it but he truly was. He was a gentle giant, but he would put anyone in their place if needed. If he could help someone, he would. If he couldn't he'd point them in the right direction. Everything he did was for me and my sister, and I truly believe that is why he died. He wanted to fight this cancer, but I think in his heart he couldn't bare the idea of being completely dependant on me and my sister. He looked after us on his own from when we were teenagers, sorted everything out so we could have a good life. He was the definition of brave, selfless, kind and warm.
The house feels empty, it's almost like it's lost it's life. Everything around me feels dark and tainted now. Inanimate objects seem even more still, lights aren't as bright, the world feels still. When he was first diagnosed I was angry that the world carried on as normal, didn't they know my dad was poorly? How can they go about their lives? But now it almost feels the opposite, everything feels calm, life doesn't seem to be moving the same way it did, it's like the world knows it has lost one of its best, and collectively and subconsciously for a lot of people, we are all grieving this massive loss to the world.
I miss him more than anything and it feels like life is going to be so long without him now, I've been awake for only 2 hours and it feels like it should be the end of the day already. We all wish for a slow, happy, long life, but an overwhelming part of me wants nothing more but for the day to come when I can finally be with my dad again. I know my dad wants my sister and I to live life to its fullest, to live carefree and happy. Helping others and always be kind but never let anyone put us down or hurt us. As I said, it feels tainted to even imagine living a happy life now, but for my dad it's something I will try and do. .
Dad, you were everything to me. I remember you, I miss you, and I love and hold you every single day in my heart, mind and soul forever and ever. I can't wait to see you again, but until then me and Natalie will try our upmost hardest to make you proud. Night god bless and sweet dreams, I'll love you forever my Angel, my hero, my whole heart. Until we meet again ️
25/04/1965 - 13/07/22
