Hello RoseStarBlue

I just wanted to post a quick message to say well done in taking those first steps and reaching out for bereavement support. It can be so difficult to ask for help when everything seems so overwhelming. 

I'm sure there will be some difficult steps on your journey but having that listening ear to be there to support you will hopefully help. 

Know that we continue to be here to listen if it helps to share in this space whilst you're waiting for your sessions to start. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Thank you, Jenn.

So I have a date for counselling to start later this month.

Agreeing a date was triggering and I had to end call because of intense crying.

Counsellor says it will be okay if all I do is cry first session.

I'm so scared about having to talk about things.

Not sure I can. But I know I have to try.

Hiya RoseStarBlue, just want to say 'good luck' with the counselling and I really hope it helps you.........you are always so kind and compassionate with the folks on here who are grieving or who need a few kind words, and I just want to wish you well, much love, Violet, xxx

Thank you, Violet. That's really kind of you and much appreciated. You are so kind when you yourself are dealing with such a lot. How are you getting on? This heatwave that's coming looks like another scary one. I hope you're some place relatively cool. It's very hard if you're looking after someone with Alzheimers in the heat.

I have to help someone with memory issues (not Alzheimers – they did lumbar puncture, CT-PET and MRIs to check), but bits of the brain have gone AWOL in an unusual pattern, white matter changes, and personality changes on top. Hot weather is a nightmare as my friend "forgets" to put correct clothing on, keeps opening up curtains, struggles to get enough fluids down etc. 

I ended up putting a lot of digital prompts into Alexa with reminders to check temperature, have a drink. Still have to check curtains in person! I suggested going on holiday somewhere cooler. But, that's not an option – they want to stay home because it's "safe" (!) and "familiar". 

Hope you are doing okay managing to look after yourself as well as your husband. It's a tough call!

Love Rose xxx

Hiya. Frankly I am dreading the heatwave that's coming because I am one of those people that just can not take the sun.  I have had sun-burn quite a few times and personally I can't wait for the autumn/winter to arrive.  I am a bit odd........I LOVE the rain lol!  I am originally from London, but now I live in the West Midlands, which is slightly better where the heat is concerned.........a heatwave in London with all that concrete, steel and glass is no joke I can tell you!  At the moment things aren't too bad.  Even though I am stage 4 (breast cancer that has metastasized), I am still able to cope with my husband's needs (just about).  His dementia is in the early stages, but he also has a lot of physical health problems, mainly with his heart and an aortic aneurysm.  We joke about which one of us is going to fall off our perch first.........I know it sounds awful, but our dark humour is how we cope with our situation.  You know RoseStarBlue, I try not to think about the future too much, because if I die first, it means that my husband will have to rely on the care of the state.  We don't have children and neither of us are close to our siblings........we only have each other.  I hope that he goes before me so that he won't be left alone in the world..........does that sound terrible?  It would break my heart in to a million pieces to lose him, but the thought of him being at the mercy of the care system without me here to protect him fills me with dread.  Anyway, sorry mate, I am waffling on about my problems and you've got enough on your own plate.  When I joned this forum that no-one ever wants to join, I was at a very low ebb.......feeling so lost and frightened I guess.  But there are some lovely folks on here, and being able to help others makes me realise that I am not alone in my problems.........it's like a shared journey I suppose, with like-minded people.  Well mate, once again, I truly hope the counselling helps, and good luck to you, Violet, xxx

Hi Violet,

You sound just like me when it comes to heat! I totally wilt. Autumn/winter are my favourite seasons too and I adore the rain – most especially warm summer rain, which is something of a rarity now. Unfortunately, the temperatures over the next week look worse overall than the last heatwave and we don't have the best accomodation (upper floor flat with single aspect). I laugh at the advice to go somewhere cool – have to get up early, lower the flat temperature as much as possible, then close the curtains to try and retain some cool.  Urban heat is a nightmare.

I totally get what you are saying in not wanting your husband left to the mercy of the state. Even if his dementia is in the early stages, it makes dealing with other very serious health conditions much harder. The doctors have refused to refer my friend for surgery because of co-morbidities such as poor wound healing which make operating risky plus anaesthesia would worsen the brain condition.

I know bottling grief can cause a lot of problems. However, just thinking about it and I'm tearing up when I have to be strong. I actually don't have time to grieve right now. There is too much practical stuff that needs doing. 

Thank you so much for the good wishes, Violet. They are very much appreciated! I hope you can cope with the heat. I really am dreading it.  Love Rose xx

Hi Violet,

I edited out some info remembering there might be family members reading this (given it's a cancer chat site). Some relationships are under strain because there aren't enough carers in the family and there is, I feel, some pressure on me to put blood relatives first. It's an impossible situation! xx

Hi RoseStarBlue, tell me about it!  There have been times when my blood family think that I am being 'disloyal' for putting the needs of my husband above them!  Like you say, it's an impossible situation, and at the end of the day, there is only so much we can do............I often feel I can't do right for doing wrong lol!  xx

Yes, that's exactly it! I sent you a friend request in case you ever wanted a private rant. xx