Hi

This is my first time posting. My dad passed away in February just gone. I'm really struggling to get the image of the actual time he died out of my head. About 30 mins before hand I noticed how unkept his nails looked. I managed to get hold of hand cream and a nail file. I files his nails and used a paper straw to get the dirt out and then massaged his hand. His hands were very swollen. He was heavily sedated. I was whilst I was massaging his hand he the did about 5/8 silent gulps and his face was faces towards mine. His eyes opened and rolled back and then back towards me..... my sister and aunts had been telling him it was OK to go but when it did I totally lost it and started to tell him no don't go... I was actually angry he went but I know that sounds silly. I don't know really what I'm trying to say tbh   I keep getting unwelcomed thoughts,  I think of the time spent in the hospice  during and after. Seeing him in the Chapel of rest, then seeing him but in a closed coffin. At his funeral I really struggled to leave the side of his coffin.  Now I'm getting thoughts about him actually being cremated and what it would have looked like and I really don't want these thoughts.   We didn't have the relationship most have due to his mental health and he didn't bring me up. We was estranged from the age of 5 to 19. I'm now 41 and have spent the last 20 years trying to form a father daughter relationship.  I loved my dad and I know he did me and it just feels so much time was taken from us.  I resent his illness and feel like I'm also grieving for a childhood that I never got.. I couldn't find old cards and letters he sent which has hurt as it had his hand writing.  Grief is such a confusing time. Ppl keep asking how am I and I just want to say well no I'm not, my dad's still dead. He was only 67 . I miss he calls but so many times I didn't answer