Hi there,

Im not sure if this is the right place for me or not but I guess I'm just trying to find anyone who might be able to relate. 
 

I lost my dad on the 18th of March, he had been in the hospital for just over 2 weeks. It was suspected liver cancer but we weren't able to confirm it as he had an acute kidney injury when he was admitted and they weren't able to do the scan they needed.

Dad had suffered liver disease for a long time but apparently a blood test he had back in December had shown high levels of something which suggested cancer, he never told any of us, we only found out from the doctors as they were explaining that he was too sick to survive, a terminal event is what they called it. 
I'm really struggling to come to terms with his last few days. It was horrendous. He had stopped eating just before he was admitted and was unable to drink for over a week before he passed. His mouth looked so painful and it was black. He was only semi conscious at times and could only move his eyes over the last few days. It was so traumatic sitting there watching him suffer.

On his last day all I can remember is the breathing, it was so loud, it sounded like a ventilator but he wasn't attached to one. If I close my eyes that's all I hear. 

I know I should be grateful that we were able to be with him when he passed as so many others haven't had a chance to say goodbye to loved ones and I am grateful that he didn't die alone and I was able to hold his hand but I wish I could get the images out of my head. It felt so traumatic.

I guess im just really struggling tonight and needed a safe space to pour out some of my feelings.

Thankd for reading xx